I did take off an hour or so to actually eat something and to watch the running of the Preakness, which was won by the favourite colt, Big Brown. I also watched the Derby a couple of weeks ago, which BB also won, and it was then that the thought first crossed my American Idol-Addled mind that this fine young colt is very much our own thoroughbred, the pulchritudinous David Cook. Yah, that means he's gorgeous, and it's a word worthy of word nerds everywhere, despite the way it sounds like you might be sneezing and swearing at the same time.
If you watched either race, you'll get the analogy in no time. It has nothing to do with either stud's beauty, though that's very much similar. It has more to do with the way they handle races. They start out slow, hold themselves back a bit even, and then, about midway through, they kick in the afterburners and Bring. It. On. Big Brown looked like he was out for a Sunday hack in the Preakness until the last couple of furlongs, then his jockey gave him the word. And that marvelous horse brought it, and made it look easy; he reminded me of Secretariat back in the day, half a track ahead of the rest of the field in the Belmont.
His Utterly Hawtness started out sort of mid-pack in the American Idol race, and held himself in a bit, but he's been gaining momentum like the Thoroughbred he is for the past few weeks. He's almost to the finish line now, but he's got that wheezing, three-legged Shetland pony propped up in a wheelbarrow rickshaw hauled by the Daduleta, traipsing along behind him thinking he's gonna share in the garland of roses at the end.
Come on, baby. Do we need to take the whip and spurs to you? I didn't think so, at least not in public. You rest up those vocal cords this weekend, and have some high quality oats - sorry, oatmeal - and get yourself psyched for Tuesday. We are expecting marvels from you, because you, Hawtness, are magnificent. Stay the course, steady and true.
Segue from horses to other Freudian allusions. Did you know there's actually a photo of DC wearing a firefighter's turnout gear? Even though he's making one of his endearing funny faces, it's pretty damn hawt. I'd test out the hard suction on the hosebed with him, anytime. Now, before the censors invert or any of you faint, I used to be a volunteer firefighter, and I speak smokeeater just fine and that was a perfectly innocent comment, thank you all for your gutterly minds.
I'll give you all a moment to adjust yourselves.
With that little digression over, I found it intriguing that David Cook is odds-on favourite to win AI according to a number of betting sites, with odds exactly like those of Big Brown's to win the Preakness. Those who understand odds and numbers essentially say the odds call him a Sure Thing, same as they called Big Brown as one.
So as we slouch towards Bethlehem - sorry, wrong allusion - towards the Nokia on Tuesday, I want all Word Nerds, Cooktards, Cougars for Cook, fangurls, and others of all genders who support His Utterly Hawtness to remember. Keep. The. Faith. Never mind the petty mindedness of the naysayers in Camp Guantarchulata. Ours is the better horse in this race, quality from nose to toes, and born and bred to do this. He will pour it on in the last furlongs, blowing Gaspy McDooDoo away in his dust. Graciously, of course, never anything but classy, our Hawtness.
Our job? Simply to vote til we melt down our cell phones or go-phones or laptops or fax phones or smoke signals and our fingers are blistered and bleeding and all the alcohol in the house is consumed.
His Utterly Hawtness deserves nothing less.
Courage, friends. Victory is nigh.
Leading you through the maze leading up to the backstretch of the AI race, I'm ariadne.
Comments
Scarlett 05/18/08
Oh Ariadne......Of course I had to come check in before I went to bed and now I can't get the image of riding a thoroughbred out of my mind.....and that thoroughbed being our David "CFM" Cook.....Yummmmm! I think I will have some good dreams to night! =)
palais 05/18/08
My mind is now crammed full of NC-17 thoughts. Thanks. I need these for good dreams.
sheridan1227 05/18/08
To All Cookies,
Please vote for David Cook. DA's fans can vote non stop for their idol, we cookies can do it too........for our David Cook!
He wants to win this and only we can make it happen. Let us make it happen. Let David Cook be the American Idol and lives his dream.
See what Cookey says on AI website:-
What do you think gives you the edge in this competiion?
DC: I don't know if I have one, but I know that nobody can say they've worked harder for this or have wanted it more than me.
JWG 05/18/08
my friend from the den, this post is pure brilliance. I may cut and copy and save forever.
Brilliant!
And I agree with every word, by the way, making it even more magnificent. "Gaspy McDooDoo" just about did me in--drink out the nose and all that. Great stuff.
bardgal 05/18/08
O.M.G. Well DONE!!
That was a gorgeous race yesterday (and I'm glad they really took the Eight Belles topic TO THE TABLE at the beginning of the broadcast. That surprised me, but the journalist dude didn't need to be there, and when he brought up bullfighting I almost threw something at the new HD - but then I wouldn't have been able to gaze upon the amazing sexiness of yummy Gary Stevens, or CourgarBait on TuesDave for that matter, so I refrained.)
How about when he almost doubled his stride after that final turn??? I smell another record breaking Belmont finish!!! Can he beat 31 lengths? (I totally remember that race, and my father beating the floor screaming COME ON!!!) I can't wit to find out.
ariadne 05/18/08
Back from a day away....glad you all enjoyed, especially those who may have possibly had dreams tinged with lasciviousness.
Bardgal, yes, that was the last time a horse raise so fired my mind....the great Secretariat. But I've been intrigued by the Big Brown horse, just like I got Cookified early on.
Oh, I WISH I could get Cookified...
;-)
semaj2307 05/18/08
Cookie fans! Why do you guys vote for him when he doesn't even want to be there in the first place! He didn't sign up for Amrerican Idol, he accompanied his brother to the audtions. He felt that the show was not good enough for him.
semaj2307 05/18/08
The true American Idol who wants signed up for it, will win it - DAVID ARCHULETA!!!!
ariadne 05/19/08
Take your baby rattles and your proselytising elsewhere, semaj2307. It's obvious desperation is settling in when the ARchubots resort to canvassing house to house to plead with people to vote for DA.
DCFTMFW!
Mr. Big 05/19/08
semaj2307, I am quite astonished that you would antagonize ANY member of Tawanda's Den, much less a professional writer who could most easily introduce your head to your sphincter. Oops... I see they've already met. I refer you to your own grammar-challenged blog where OriTV has the class and maturity to provide a thoughtful and respectful response to your juvenile musings. I'm pretty sure there are other like-minded 12-year olds on this site that would love to exchange barbs with you, but perhaps when you venture onto an adult's blog, you could consider a response other than "nah nah na boo boo, stick your head in ****."
Mr. Big 05/19/08
Ahhh, TV Fan, begins with a "d" and sounds like boo x 2 is censor-worthy, poontang is not. Of course.
JWG 05/19/08
Well done, Phoenix.
As I've said before, it's ok if Squinty wins. Really. I'm sure he and Taylor Hicks will be very happy together. Meanwhile, Mr. Sexhawtonastick and all us fans will ride off into well-deserved success. If His Hawtness really wants a confetti shower, I'm sure there's a few of us who will acommodate him . . .
JWG 05/19/08
And you know, I just had another thought. I'm not sure what's-his-head-up-sphincter up there has his argument straight: Squinty doesn't want this, his DaddyDearest does.
Bitten 05/19/08
An outstanding bit of prose, Ariadne! You, too, Phoenix ;-)
palais 05/19/08
Phoenix, you rock.
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