In honor and in the stylings of my sistah from TheDen and BFF palais and her mad writing skilz - I am inspired to write my own David squared play-by-play of the Fetus & SexyMan's journey thru the Top 24, besides, can one have TOO MUCH fun anticipating TuesDave???Enjoy:

DISCLOSURE: MahMAN boarded the Cook-o-liciousExpress since SexyMan's audition. I, however, called this Michael John's contest to lose. I also loved Carly and Amanda. Cook was cute, loved the throw back soul fuzz, but really needed some hair help. Yet, this is supposed to be DavidSquared.... okay, okay... my journey had other influences that need to be discussed.

Fetus McSquinty scared me from the get go. It was like he was way too young to be in this competition. I initially thought he was 14 going on 10. When I saw the screen say "17" I thought WHA? How is that possible? Has he been living in a CAVE watching Napoleon Dynamite on a loop? I mean, his vocabulary was limited to "GOSH", and "I don't know." He wasn't even using the lyrics from his songs in sentences... WTF??? Who knows. It also seemed that there was more to his vocal strain recovery story than he was spilling. It sounded like he was always one breath away from an asthma inhaler. The kid can't finish even a thought, let alone a sentence on one breath. It's like he's a singing savant - there's no breathing problem when he sings. Although the lisp and the lip-licking have bugged me since the beginning.

Top24: Fetus: Shop Around / CougarBait: Happy Together
Fetus has chops, but why does he keep his eyes closed? Weird song choice I thought, but nice pipes. CougarBait: Happy Together. I say, "I'm not a big fan of The Doors." MahMAN corrects me, "It's The Turtles." We pause the TIVO and grab the MacBaby to research. He is correct and I feel stupid. Especially after I really like Michael John's Light My Fire - okay The Doors have just been improved upon. Night goes to Amanda Overmyer's Baby Please Don't Go with jazz scatting, eevn though SHE should have sung Little Piece Of My Heart instead of Asia'h.

Top20: Fetus: Imagine / CougarBait: All Right Now
What? [soapbox] Imagine is one of those songs, that unless you can not only hit it out of the park, you had better believe in every fiber of your being the words to that song - otherwise you never EVER should sing it. Oh dear. Fetus McMormon could no more "Imagine there's no Heaven, it's easy if you try..." than I could breed with George Clooney while using my arms to fly to the moon (though I'd love to try.) And though it sounded pretty, I (personally) found it insulting to the song, and Lennon's legacy. I remember clearly the day he was shot. Words mean something. That was the moment my indifference to the Fetus, turned to aversion. He has ZERO IDEA what those words mean - none of them. Doesn't he have a parent or someone who can steer him to a better song choice? [/soapbox] CougarBait: Was okay, loved the rock, and he owned it. Great guitar. MahMAN really liked him. Night goes to Amanda again for Carry On Wayward Sons.

Top 16:
Fetus: Another Day In Paradise / CougarBait: Hello
Gaspy McSquint needs a white cane and some shades. Seriously. Who is picking his songs? Has he read the lyrics? All I feel from that performance is that he loves him some Mariah Carey and wants to grow up and be her. He's paying more attention to the vocal runs than the words. And someone please get his some chapstick. MahMAN leaves the room before hand since he's a musician and can't stand this kid. CougarBait does Hello. Both MahMAH and I say out loud at the beginning, "oh no" expecting a train wreck. MM is scared for his guy. But 90 seconds later we're both blown away. Jason McDreamyDreds does one of he greatest songs of all time, Hallelujah. I end up sobbing on the sofa, thinking of my favourite storyline on West Wing. Night goes to Jason for making me sob (broken last note and all), and CougarBait for that wicked arrangement, with Michael Johns (Don't You Forget About Me) and Amanda (Hate Myself For Loving You) tied for second. This is when I begin to worry about Amanda. She's so professional and polished, and start to get the feeling that's not what AI's PTB want right now, plus everyone has begun to treat Fetus as BabyJesus(tm)[wait... I'm sorry, that's David Beckham] I mean as TheFetus(tm). Even the LATIMES refers to him as "The Chosen One." hmmm....

Top 12: TheFetus(tm) We Can Work It Out / CougarBait: Elenory Rigby
This is where I start to question if I've fallen down the rabbit hole. Squinty forgets the lyrics to one of the most famous Beatles songs EVER, and the judges pretend it didn't happen. THAT WAS HORRID. Does someone in the Archie Clan have photos of Nigel in a compromising position naked with a minor??? WTF just happened? CougarBait nails Eleanor Rigby and I'm off to iTunes to download. Oh Yeah! MM beams because he knows his boy tore it up. Amanda (You Can't Do That) was amazing. She get's #2.

Top 11: TheFetus(tm): Long And Winding Road / CougarBait: Day Tripper
Longandwindingneverendingmostboringsongintheuniverzzzzzzzzzzzz nuff said. CougarBait: Killlz with a rocked out Day Tripper. WOW. MM is happy (always good in the nest), Jason sings Michelle - I'm loving him. And Amanda Rocks with Back In The USSR - I would PAY TO SEE THIS WOMAN LIVE. Night goes to Amanda and DC. Simon slams my girl. bye bye Amanda.

Top 11: THE YEAR THEY WERE BORN (I am so frakkin OLD!)
TheFetus(tm): You're The Voice / CougarBait: Billie Jean
Gaspy puts me to sleep in the first 30 seconds, MM grabs the remote and FF. Yummy Jason sings Fragile. Love it. Hot Aussie sings We Are The Champions, and I notice that the production and booth crew LOVE HIM. DC steps up and is going to do Chris Cornell's Billie Jean. MM & I grab each other's hands and think the train is going to go over the cliff at this point.

And then it happens.

I not only board the CookExpress, but AM RUN OVER BY IT. I spend the next 30 min rewinding the TIVO re-watching the hottest performance I've seen on AI to date (which isn't that long, only since I got sucked in by Daughtry. HOLY GODS that was AMAZING. Archawhooo who was no more than two... whoo cares? Every song sounds the same, someone needs to get him some chapstick, and the interviews are downright unwatchable. I only have eyes for DC, and am now aboard the CookSexaliciuosExpress and time speeds by.

Little Sparrow, is amazing followed by Innocent. I'm happy for Michael Johns getting accidentally booted off Gives Back Week since everyone thought no one would go like last year. Good for him, it's time to start recording baby. Always Be My Baby brings the house down, and there is Adam - in the audience, and even when Ryan asks DC about his tears, and the personal-ness of the week, Cook is Class personified and doesn't play the pity card.

Top 6 - Andrew Lloyd Webber??? You must be kidding. Hang on, this might be AWESOME! JC Superstar?? Tons of things DC could sing. But..... Phantom. Oh no. And Fetus sings a Christine song. hmm... I think he's trying to tell us something. Music Of The Night.. oh dear..... and then MELT... He HITS THE NOTES! He WORKS THE CAMERA FOR ME. FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. MM is even blown away.

The CookSexaliciuosExpress is breaking the sound barrier. But hang on - next week is Neil Diamond night - hmm... could be good. I envision our man singing Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon, and Jason singing Play Me. purrrrrrrrrrrr.

ND night is a disaster for everyone but CougarBait! YEAH!!!!

RRHOF night I have visions of SexyMan singing All Along The Watchtower & House of the Rising Sun. Instead we get two too edited versions of great songs, HLTW and BO'R. Baba rocked more, DC still rules the night.

Top 3 week was inexcuseable on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. 1. McFetus forgets his lines for the THIRD TIME and AGAIN, the "judges" pretend it didn't happen. He never should ever dance, not EVER.
2. Syesha was thrown under the bus. End of line...
3. Randy needs to fix his insulin meds or disclose he's already signed Fetus.

And finally: DCFTMFW!!

So Say We All!!! [sidebar] In all my dislike, distaste, and the I JUST DON'T GET IT that I feel about TheFetus(tm), I hope the next 10 to 15 years will bring him fantastic life experiences that will make him the amazing artist I think he has the potential to be with those pipes. Right now it's hollow, shallow, stilted, and screams of never having even pleasured HIMSELF, let alone experienced love, lost a loved one, or lived paycheck to paycheck and starved for his ART. Those are ALL SOMETHING HE MUST EXPERIENCE. Otherwise, it will remain the mediocre thing it is today. [cont]