Copy from 5/20/2008 Recap:

Cue the Choir, it’s time for the American Idol Season 7 Final Smackdown!!!  We’ve battled wind, rain and Neil Diamond to reach this moment and, on this glorious night at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, the two Davids face off one final time.

To my left… David Cook, the versatile and talented Rocker, a Mack among men and a sexy, sublime specimen of syrupy McHotness… yah, dude is Finer than Frog Hair.  To my right… David Archuletta, a prodigious balladeer of Barry Manilow proportions who inspires wonder and merriment with his vocal caress and run-filled melisma.  The Man vs. The Boy.  David “Sugahfoot Cook” vs. David “BabyCakes” Archuletta… There. Can. Be. Only. One. 

Ahem, “Sugahfoot”?  Where’d you get that handle, Dahlin?  Make me want to pour some sugah on you all over again!... Grrrrrrrrr…..

Before the bellowing begins, let’s quickly recap the 20 Things We Know:

1. David Cook is HAWT – so say the Cougars & Pumas (cougars-N-training), so say we all!
2. David Archuletta is NOT HAWT… unless you are a text-ready, petulant prepubescent, in which case OMFG, what a QTPI!
3. Rocker David can spank his gee-tar Somethin Fierce!
4. Balladeer David can spank [fill in the blank].  Fiercely!  Teenage boy– use your imagination.
5. SexyAss can bray like a mofo!
6. Archugasp can wheeze like a 90-year old.
7. Nasty Thang knows how to shake his money-maker!
8. Brookaletta knows how to gyrate like the white bread he is.  In leather pants, no less.  Eww.
9. SexOnAStick has smoldering, come-hither bedroom eyes that, when coupled with a crooked grin, have been known to impregnate from afar.
10. Squinty’s eyes are in a state of permanent half-mast… perhaps checkin his eyelids for holes?
11. Money-note SEXFace.  Nuff said. Cigarette anyone?
12. Double lip-lick dismount.  Nuff said.  Chapstick anyone?
13. Cookie has a supportive and adoring family, a Cunningham-esque ensemble worthy of Fonz-envy.
14. Archuslave’s Dad makes him sleep in a cage and beats him with a wire hanger when he forgets the lyrics.
15. When RockerD is strokin his Les Paul and kissin the mic, Simon can be seen rubbing his nipples and is prone to the “premature clap”.
16. When Perry Comoletta is doing his runs, Randy can be seen begging ArchuDad to return the compromising nekkie pics he’s been holding hostage in return for Archie pimping.  [How else to explain Randy’s recent dumbassedness, yeah, right?]
17. Paula Abdul: (a) is higher than a Georgia pine; (b) is as useless as teeets on a lawnmower; (c) can see the future; or (d) all of the above.
18. Ryan has a secret Manolo Blahnik stiletto fettish, which he pairs with ill-fitting grape smugglers while sashaying about to Streisand karaoke. [Whadayamean you didn’t know that?  Well… Now. You. Do.]
19. The Idol Stylists are fashion angels sent straight down from Heaven…  “and on the 7^th Day, God made the Cookie Edible”.  Cue David Cook, “Happy Together”, Ate Up with Fug…. Cut To Cookalicious, “All Right Now”, Sticky Sweet and Pour Some Sugar on Him!... A Witnessed Miracle, a Divine Intervention… and it only took 7 days.  Yah, True Story.
20. The Gates of Hell must now open up and envelope the stinkhole that is The Mosh Pit.  Seriously.

 As Simon says, you have got to have the desire to win and “hate” your opponent.  Ergo…Die, Cockroachuletta, Die!!!  Hey, I have NEVER pretended to present an unbiased account, you folks should know by now that I have been and forever will be an unabashed Cooktard. 

Now… Give Bitten a Wi-Five and let the braying begin!

Round 1 – Clive’s Choice

Clive Davis and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber .  Methuselah and Grizabella.  What a fu@ktastic pair.  Whose idea was this?

Cookgasmic– “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2.  Dayum, Cookjob is giving that microphone some serious… Cookjob.   Oooh, and flaunt that sexy arse through the crowd, baby!  Grrrrrrrrr!!!!  Keep that hand down tho baby, I just had me an “Innocent” flashback, and me no likey.  RJ: “HOT!!!” PA: “I’ve found what I’m looking for, and I want to Riiiide him like the WINNNNNNNND!!  Wheeeeeeeeee!!!”  SC:  “Phenomenal!!!“   Cranky is tweakin his nipples.

Squintastic – “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” by Elton John.  I lurve this song.  When Elton John sings it.  Okay, I’m going to hate myself in the morning, but I thought… He. Did. Not. Suck.  There, I said it!!!  That Little Focker!  RJ: “Flawless and Molten Hot!” PA: “The sun will never go down on you!“  SC:  “This was arguably your Best yet!  Round 1 goes to Squinty McPhartwock.”  That. Little. Focker.

For the record – I DISAGREE, Simon! 

Round 2 – Songwriter’s Choice

Okay, who’s body are they showing from the neck down with the shirt off?!!!!  Don’t tease me like that!  I’m in a fragile state of mind here, now!

Sexy McSexaLot – “Dream Big” by WhotheFockKnows, Senior.  I’m sure this is full of syrupy schlock, but I’m too busy organizing my sex toys to even listen to the words.  Yah, “organizing” them.  Ya feel me?  I tend to “organize” my sex toys whenever Sexy whips out his ‘lectric gee-tar.  I like things in their place, after all.  Ya feel me?  I am most organized.  RJ:  “That song sucked, but you sang your face off!”  I kinda like that, Dawg. PA:  “You took a song that we didn’t know and made it great.”  SC: “Not a ‘winning’ song, just alright for me.”  Hmmm, Cranky’s nipple erection has faded.

Embryoletta – “In This Moment” by WhotheFockKnows, Junior.   Heimlich Maneuver.  Had to .  Or would have choked on own vomit.  Okay, now I’m just mad.  This is the same freakin schtick he’s been beltin all frackin season long, and yet I can tell you with 100% certainty that the Trio will writhe on the floor in orgasmic bliss.  SC: “Round 2 goes to David Archuletta!” 

This sucksaletta.  

Round 3 – Idol’s Choice

CookMeSomeEggs– “The World I Know” by Collective Soul.  I lurv Collective Soul and I lurv this song.  And I LURRRRRRRRRRRVE you, David Cook!  Awww, my Cookie is crying.  Hold up, I gotta run up there and lick those tears off for him.  There, all better.   RJ:  “Very nice job, showing people David Cook’s sensitive side.” PA:  Standing O!; SC:  “DC is one of the nicest guys we’ve ever had, but… this was completely and utterly the wrong song choice.  You should have done Billie Jean or Hello.”  GAWD, I can’t believe I’m going to say this… but I agree.  DAMMIT!!!!  Yah, I told ya so.  But I still loved it.  And I still love you, Cookie.

Squintuletta – “Imagine”, redux.  S’prise!  Not very imaginative, is he?  Can we deduct points for all the squinting?  For fock’s sake, you’d think somebody was shining a flashlight in his eyes!!!  Don’t you listen to ALW, son?  RJ: “You Won.”  PA: “Stunning!”  SC: “We Have Witnessed a Knockout!”  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whatev.

So… is there really any reason to watch tomorrow night since the Trio have already crowned Archuletta The.American.Idol?  I think not.  And, as my BFF Palais would say, these fockers should have their judging licenses revoked.  I.Am.Never.Watching.American.Idol.Again.  Ever!!! 

Well… okay, I might take a peek tomorrow night, but only to gaze at My Man one last time, and not because I give a flying frak about this well-past-its-expiration-date show.

Backstage

So… David, my love.  I sit here tonight with a heavy heart, for many reasons…. 

I have a heavy heart because you did not do any Hair Metal, nor did you give me a redux of Hello or Billie Jean.   There was a very high likelihood that I would have humped the television had you done any of those things, so for that I am simultaneously rueful and grateful.

I have a heavy heart because tonight is my Very Last Official Recap.  That’s right, Love, Bitten is shelving her Poisonous Pen after tonight.  For what it’s worth, I was a virgin Blogger before you.  You inspired me… you were my First and you will be my Last.

Finally, I have a heavy heart because… I must break up with you.  You will always have a piece of my heart, but …you see, I gave my heart away a long time ago.  His name is John James Preston… tho my BFFs and I like to call him “Mr. Big”.  Yah, I fell in love with Mr. Big back in 1998 when I first sat in his limousine and we had sex in The City.  He has been out of my life for a few years, but he and I will reconnect on May 30…  “Hello, Lovah”.  Sorry, doll, but he is my One True Love.

I debated whether to tell you this tonight or to wait until after the Coronation show.  I also debated whether or not to do another Recap. I chose tonight because… I simply realized that you have already Won.  You see, the Coronation show really has no bearing on reality.  You may or may not be “crowned” as The. American. Idol.  But... the reality is that David Cook is a Rock Star and has captured America’s heart.  David Cook will be a Huge Commercial Sexcess.  David Cook has… Already Won. 

Because I know this, I know you will be fine, my Love. Besides, you will always have my Recaps… and I will always have my DVR and Youtube.  And my sex toys that I bought from Syesha. 

Adieu, you Sexy Thang!

But, hey, whenever Slezak interviews you for Idolatry, make sure you tell him how much you’ll miss me, ‘Kay?  And please tell him how much you enjoyed being…

Bitten!!!!...  If only for a while… Grrr

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To all you Bitten fans out there (including the lurkers, you know who you are!), THANK YOU so much for your readership and your fellowship.  If you have a moment, please leave me a comment/calling card or drop me a line at finesoutherndiva@yahoo.com. To mah ladies (you, too, Collin) in Tawanda’s Den – THANK YOU, each and every one.  You inspired me, truly.  And on that note, I encourage you Bitten readers to check out their blogs, if you haven’t already – you’ll quickly find there are legitimate writers and journalists in this extremely talented, if kooky, bunch.  I am a mere Poser with a Potty Mouth.  To All, this has been a wild ride, and I sincerely hope you’ve had as much fun as I have. 

Yours Truly,

Bitten.