As you know from that Most Exquisite FINAL Never to Blog Again Recap that I penned last night, I have retired my Bloggin Boots. They’re sittin on the shelf with my Poison Pen. And my sex toys. That I bought from Syesha. This is NOT a blog.
Kay, I know it’s Nickelback-Chad, but I lurve “Hero” something fierce, and PressureCookah sounded so frackin good singin it, tonight, didn’t he? Dayum. Funny thing is, I remember thinkin about this song a good month ago and thinking how great Sexy Ex-Boyfriend would sound singin it. ‘Cept he wasn’t my Ex at the time… ‘Course, that was back in the day… when I was bloggin.
Shhhh, Big is in the other room!!! I had to sneak in here so I could secretly watch my ex-boyfriend and “organize” my sex toys. Surely I mentioned that I am the most “organized” gurl you will ever meet. And I have a sneakin suspicion that I will get more “organized” as the night goes on. Yep, I am the Day Planner, the frackin Crate & Barrell of Orgasmization…. Er, I mean Organization.
Syesha & Seal – I bet she’s creamin her panties, getting to sing with Seal. I would be. I luv Seal, what a voice. Not sure how Heidi Klum Mugs the Fug that is his Face, but whatev... Not bloggin, I swear!!!
Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, I am NOT bloggin tonight. This is not a blog, just random thoughts. Ya feel me? And David Cook, if you are reading this, Stop.Right.Now. This is not a blog. Since this is just a collection of my random thoughts and NOT a blog, you would be invading my privacy. Stop that.
Castro is singin Hallelujah!!!!!… Gah!!!!!!! So then Sexy Ex-Boyfriend should sing Helllllllllllloooooooo! Not that I care, of course, since I’m back with Big and all… dayum, that focker oughtta sing Hello. Okay, did Castro just fock up the ending to Hallelujah JUST LIKE he did the first time he sang it? Riot!!!! Castro, you might be my Hero. Since DumbAss ex-BF is not my Hero. Since he didn’t sing Hero last night. Or Hello. Not bloggin, I swear.
Amanda Overmeyer!!! Carly!!!!! I forgot how much I missed Amanda… what an original. She reminds of a cat that is being held by its tail. Scccccrrrreeeeecccchhhhhh! Is it just me? Wha? …. Not bloggin, I swear.
Donna Summer and… was that Ryan break-dancing?!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FOCK?! Oh, p.s. to the Bitten Fan who asked me not to curse as much, I promise if I ever blog again, I’ll clean up my gawd dayumed motha fu@kin act. Promise. But, gawsh, until then… well, shucks.
Michael & Carly!!! Oh, you guys look and sound great together!!!! Not bloggin.
Did Ryan just say that Simon has Nipples the size of peppahmints? Is he stealin my stuff? Yeah, the Tawanda toy box keeps gettin hijacked by shameless thieves this season….
Simon montage too funny. Not bloggin. Swear.
Top 6 rockin out!!! Hey… isn’t that David Hernandez? As… he … gyrates… and strips down to a banana hammock. Dayum, somebody push that tart out of the way, OMFG…! Ex-BF Cookie singin Bryan Adams?!.. *gasp*… must plug ears… La! La! La! La! La! La! La!...I can’t hear you!!!! Otherwise, I might have an eargasm. Not good. Mr. Big might hear me. I’m a screamah, you know. Not bloggin, I swear.
Nawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Ex-BF and ZZ Top!!!!!!!!!! And Sexy’s ‘Lectric gee-tar!!!!!! And, Dayum…. Not. Bloggin. Not. Screaming “Do Meeeeee While Strokin Yo *** And Yo Gee-Tah Too!!!!!” Not bloggin. Swear. Like they could rock the stage in the most unbelievably righteous, focken way and not crown BigAssBoots The. American. Idol.? !!!! Being his Ex-GF and all, you want me to tell you what size shoe Sexy wears?... He wears a size John Holmes. And a half. Not bloggin. Swear.
CSN & Brooke White… “Teach Your Children”… I am luvin this! I’m back in college watching A Guy And A Gee-Tah sing this!!! True Story… Loved me some Tall Paul.
Oh, look, it’s Me and Mr. Big in a commercial! I told ya I was famous. And you didn’t believe me… Just click my profile, you’ll see. ..
Hey, it’s the Jonas Hanson Brothers On the Block! Singing MMMM Sauce!
THE BAD AUDITIONS. Now, you know that this is a freakin comedic Horn O Plenty for Bitten, right? Yah, well, can’t do it. Somethin about a special place in Hell and all… and the fact that I’m not bloggin tonight. But… Renaldo, is it? Hon, do you really want Bitten to say the words out loud? Well, I’m not bloggin tonight, but if I were, it would sound somethin like….Divine Brown a la freakin Colonel Sanders!!! But, since I’m not bloggin, well, Nuff said.
One Republic. Woo Hoo! And Jordin Sparks. Woo Hoo!
Come on, let’s go ahead and crown BigAssSexyBootsALicious as our next Idolasm!!!! ‘Specially before Mr. Big comes back in the room… and finds me organizing my toys. Again. I’m a neat freak, ya know. A neat freak who no longer blogs.
Okay, wanna hear a funny? I was *actually* getting ready to rag on the producers for the lame Gladys retro number… didn’t see my boys Ben and Jack in the back. I LURV those guys! Hella, any body that can make me laugh, can git nexta me. I’m easy like that. ‘Specially when I’m not bloggin.
Anotha guest? Hey, Carrie Gurl, whachoo doin? Yah, um, what the hell you wearin gurl? Me thinks you got into a brawl with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt… and a wedding dress… and Lost. Eh?
DaYYYYUUUUMMMM… Mr. Big is going to come back in here any minute now!!!! Can we get on with this?!!!!
Top 12 Group Sing. George Michael fo the Ladies… George Michael fo the Gents... And all I can think of is… will my Sexy have to wear that awful suit when he gets crowned Chief Idolator? Sorry… Ex-SexyBF. Aww, it’s so good to see them all back together again. What a good lookin group! And… Ladies & Gents… George Michael! I love “Praying for Time”. Paula, this song brings me to tears, too, honey, you jus let em flow, gurl!
Judges lurv on the Davids!
Simon apologizes to David Cook, says he was disrespectful last night! Gah! Unfrackinbelievable! I knew I liked you, Simon. Thank you for that. It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong… in front of a gazillion people, no less.
And our next American Idol is… David Cook!!! [Simon is rubbin his nipples again…] And Cookie is cryin. And Momma and Bro are on stage. And I’m shawked Cookie can remember the words to that awful song.
What a class act.
And my name is Bitten. And I’m not bloggin. And I gotta go cuz I hear Mr. Big walkin this way…
Comments
Collin Kelley 05/21/08
Oh, no, you're not blogging. Brilliant as always. It's been a pleasure, sweet Bitten. Never go away.
JWG 05/21/08
that's the best non-blog I ever read. Tell Big a big "Hello"-- while I go find myself what I'm lookin for. SexHAWTonastick reigns supreme!!!!
I love being wrong. I love even more when mean people who stomp on other people's blogs are wrong. Now they won't come out and play. What's up?
Scarlett 05/21/08
I know you are not blogging.....but I love you as always Bitten!
Bitten 05/21/08
Now, ya know this officially makes y'all "Enablers"... right?
J-Glo 05/21/08
I've been lurkin' for a while, but now that this whole she-bang (mmm... Cookie) is over, I have to say that this is the best Idol blog out there (well, not this entry, since this is not a blog, but all the rest of your blog posts).
J-Glo 05/21/08
I've been lurkin' for a while, but now that this whole she-bang (mmm... Cookie) is over, I have to say that this is the best Idol blog out there (well, not this entry, since this is not a blog, but all the rest of your blog posts).
cookiemonster 05/21/08
Gracias, mi amiga!
And yes, I'm totally an enabler.
Girl Scout cookies are being delivered en masse to your doorstep as we speak.
DCMFR!!!!!!!!!
helloluvah 05/21/08
Love it! Love him! Love you, Bitten! What a show. We got to see a lot of our man one more time tonight... and in his boxers no less! Anyone catch a little bit of sexy's belly there at the end?
Nothing like some belly action and a treasure trail to the goods!
Bitten 05/21/08
Thanks, guys! And welcome to my faux blog! Especially you, J-Glo... I feel like a BadAss when I can lure in a "lurker." I was one too, once...
Bitten 05/21/08
Two of my favorite things: Cookie (in his undies no less!) & Guitar Hero
Gotta keep this lil link handy back here in my tucked away non-blog where nobody can see it.
Yee Haw!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfieqankw2c
Scarlett 05/22/08
Cookie in his undies......I don't know if I can think of something more perfect then that! All l know is that I am going to have exceptionally good X rated.....throw you up against the wall and take advatangage of you kind of dreams tonight.....that is right Cookie I am looking at you.....don't be scared sexy......I will treat you right!
JWG 05/22/08
He rocked that commercial. So fraken talented (what exactly is the right way to spell that word?). Thanks for that, Bitten. More reason not to go to bed, not to get sleep, to be completely useless at work tomorrow, but be very, very, happy. <sigh> NOW who's enabling?
chilekat 05/22/08
Best Not Blog evah! Congrats to all you D.Cook fans. Well done.
Bitten 05/22/08
Awww, thanks chilekat! Hey, I see you got your blog up. Is it be full of pi$$ and vinegar like I like? Oh, pretty please? I gotta go take a gander...
Collin Kelley 05/22/08
I just realized I totally missed the Guitar Hero commercial.
JWG 05/22/08
chilekat--this DC fan thanks you for being clever and classy. Great blog, too.
Bitten 05/22/08
I posted the link above. He SOOOOOOOOOOO Rawked the Risky Bizness.
Collin Kelley 05/22/08
Oh, my god, they filmed one for Archuleta, too! This is just embarrassing...plus he's wearing boxers. He's such a fetus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJAo3Em_xqs
Bitten 05/22/08
Underoo boxers.
chilekat 05/22/08
Okay, that D'Archie Guitar Hero commercial was not of the lord.
Add a comment
Remember to keep it clean. Bad words will get filtered, and offensive comments will be removed. More Guidelines