Dear Michael Slezak,
I understand that mah Ladies have bombarded you with lust-filled blogs regarding our newest American Idol, David Cook. Let me just say that if you have read any of these blogs by my “Former” Tawanda’s Den members, well I am truly sorry. Those cougars and pumas have had a bit too much cat-nip and have just embarrassed themselves, really. It’s quite sad. You must know that I discourage this type of behavior, but ever since I poured sugar on David Cook, I have lost complete control of the Den. I have tried to lead by example, such as…
I would never lick Sexy’s ear and roll out the Welcome Mat-ress, I would never try to give him an Anton Chigur haircut so as to de-intensify my feelings of complete lust for this man, I would never tell Santa Clause and yourself to kiss my ayasse because I’m on a Girl Scout Cookie sugah high, I would never scream upon experiencing the delight of my first ear-gasm, I would never threaten to set Syesha on fire so Hotness and I could take a mud bath and do the Nasty in her ashes, I would never accuse Simon of tweaking his nipples every time Nasty Thang strokes his gee-tar, I would never “organize” my passion tools while watching SexOnLegs perform, I would never try to lick Cookie’s tats off him, I would never lie to my boyfriend Mr. Big about my Sexy McSexALot obsession, I would never sit in my dark closet, illuminated by 3 laptops and a herd of passion implements while I googled, blogged and “organized” for hours on end, I would never buy a Guitar Hero sex toy, particularly if it’s made in China and craps out on the “SexFaceMoneyNote” speed, and I ESPECIALLY would not drive to the post office to return said broken Guitar Hero toy with a Cook-flatable Boyfriend Doll in the passenger seat!
I would NOT DO any of these things because I have class and self-control. That’s right. I am the business executive, blackberry wielding, fine wine drinking, sugah-pouring, recap-writing, never-once-voted-not-even-for-David-Cook (too pedestrian) one in the bunch. Hah!
So, please, Michael Slezak, accept my apologies for Tawanda’s Den… all my ladies are really after is a little shout-out.
Oh, and Slezak?
Yah, um….
You’ve Been Bitten!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments
SoIntoItGirl 05/25/08
Bitten-
Your Guitar Hero Boyfriend inflatable has been recovered in Blue Springs, MO. - when they are injured, they return the home.
He was identified as yours by the Bitten signature you made in Sharpie Pen on his fine Aysse and from the sticky redisue that he was coated in, the SUGAH!
bardgal 05/25/08
Of course you wouldn't.... all I know is I may need some insulin to go with this frakkin Cookie-addiction.
Oh, and more AA batteries wouldn't hurt.
palais 05/25/08
I now have a new wallpaper made from a screencap of when Sexy looks into the camera while singing " Till the end of time" during " Father Figure" on Finale night...
And my GH boyfriend was misdirected again. He's in Bora Bora. Without me!
JWG 05/25/08
if this doesn't do it, bitten, nothin' will. Brava.
gitarmom 05/25/08
I hate to get you going again, but check out this finer-than-fine video of our man performing the day after, with zero sleep on Access Hollywood - when he hits the final angelic note, you will cry and pass out!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=e_I9k8qDqvc
DCismyBF 05/25/08
Agreed, Mr. Slezak. You need not "indulge" TheDen's naughty and lascivious remarks when Interviewing Sexy McHawness. We are mostly PARENTS after all, and we understand the need to keep your show PG.
All we're asking for is a little Shout Out to the Cougar Den over here on TVFan. Just point him in the right direction... we'll take care of the rest!!
Bitten 05/25/08
Stop that gitarmom! Yummers....
gitarmom 05/25/08
Screw the AI tour - the powers that be need to get this hunka-hunka-burnin-hotness on his own concert tour. No way am I driving 3 hours and paying $60 to sit thru truckstopgal Amanda's shrieks and lapdanceboy's nipple preening for my precious minutes of Cookie McHotness live.. then again...Cookie McHotness live ...in the flesh....not on TV... whew {{fanning self}}}
SoIntoItGirl 05/25/08
guitarmom,
I too am waiting for the SexALiciousStrummin lover to have his solo tour. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Bitten 05/25/08
Nuh unh, you did not just say "nipple preening". Gurl, check your inbox cuz you got fan mail coming your way!
Bitten 05/25/08
Oh, and class, we learned a very important lesson today, yes, we did. In addition to "poontang", the TVFan editors also do not edit out the word "nipple". And yet, they will edit out "pr!vate part$".
Let's make sure... ****
Bitten 05/25/08
Yep, that gets edited, but poontang and nipple does not. Unfockenbelievable. And yes, I am 12 years old.
palais 05/25/08
Yes, she is 12. I'm the sixteen year old sister who has to listen to it and try not to laugh at the ridicudonkulousness of it all.
gitarmom 05/25/08
My own 14 year old pointed out that Amanda Screechypants seemed drunk or drugged on the AI finale... how is that poor girl ever going to survive a tour?
And do any of you lovely ladies think that our boy Sexy would actually date that barbie doll tv girl? He seems way too fine for her. He requires much more in the way of royalty... or perhaps maturity....
gitarmom 05/25/08
ps thanks for the friend invite bitten - your blog sends me into spasms of cornflake spitting - because I recognize myself in it!
Bitten 05/25/08
I don't so much think he needs royalty/maturity. It's jus that a lil mo bank and a lil less jank & **** would be nice. Blech.
BFD 05/25/08
sorry to burst any bubbles but your boy has already cashed in his date chips with ms. barbie last night and at the idol finale party. When the video taker asked if we might expect to see more of them together mr. cook replied: "Yeah, probably."
gitarmom 05/25/08
ick yuck blechhh!
bfc, i did not need to know that. that ho is trash!
BFD 05/25/08
then again if he's still willing to date someone who has declared on national tv that she's obsessed with him, wants to make out with him a lot and probably will, and wants to have his babies i don't see any reason to lose hope. anyway, looks like her second wish is "probably" coming true. i'd imagine after finally being let out of that idol bubble he's quite ready to rumble.
Bitten 05/25/08
Ready to rumble, indeed! I wonder if SySy had any boy-toys she shared with him while on the inside...
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