My name is Mr. Big.  I am the ideal, sexy boyfriend.  I just reunited with my long, lost love… her name is Bitten.  I thought our life together was perfect.  I had no idea I would be sharing my precious Bitten with David Cook. Yes, The.American.Idol. The one and only.

Here’s what happened...

The American Idol season finale had ended, and I'm looking for Bitten... I can’t find her.  I hear odd clicking and whirring noises coming from behind the closet door.  I open the closet and I find her hunched behind the laundry basket, all aglow from the light of three laptops.  There are some other glow-in-the-dark “implements” providing additional illumination, but… well… let’s just not go there, okay?  She has any number of headphones wrapped around her like lights on a Christmas tree and what appears to be an iPod Shuffle stuck to her face.  She sees me.  Bitten looks equally horrified and... Guilty.  

I survey the situation.

One computer appears to be in an endless YouTube loop of David Cook in his skivvies as “Guitar Hero”.  I can remember when I used to be Bitten’s Guitar Hero.  The other computer is awash in Google hits, query “David Cook”.  The last computer… well, it’s hard for me to talk about it.  Oh, the Betrayal.  It’s just so hurtful...  You know what I'm talking about, don't you?  That Blogging Little Ho.  She promised me she would stop blogging about David Cook, but dammit if I don’t find her on that stupid TVFan website, smoke coming off her fingertips!  And her response to me?   “Not bloggin’, not bloggin', I swear!!!   But… if I were blogging, then, er, Tawanda made me do it.  And Syesha, too!...  her and her sex toys.  It’s all THEIR fault!” 

Well, I for one have had enough.  I know I am not alone.  Men, Husbands, Boyfriends, Fiancees… Listen Up!  The Time has come for us to take back what is rightfully ours!  That's right, I am not giving up on us Bitten!  Who’s With Me?!

David Cook, I am putting you on Notice.  Know this:  I coming after you… Yes, I Am.  I will find your Kryptonite, I will exploit your weaknesses and I will strip you of whatever magical power you apparently possess that makes you The.American.Catnip to every red-blooded Cougar and Puma in existence!  That's right, watch your back, Nepeta Cataria, because Mr. Big is on the Trail.

After all… There.Can.Be.Only.One...  And I’m not going down without a fight!