That being said, tonight, I might start a drinking game. Take a shot every time there's a pun. I'll be drunk before you can say "Guuuttt, Guuutt, Guuutt..."

I might have lost my mind tonight if it hadn't been for one of the best things I've seen on reality TV since the great Angelique striptease on Rock of Love 2: Penn Jillette falling on the floor.

Watching Penn Jillette lean on that horizontal bar and break it off the wall made my day yesterday. And the fact that he left the stage by tripping on the steps - brilliant! I love that Bruno called him Shrek last week, and this week, he followed up by falling all over the place. That'll show ‘em, Penn!

But more on Penn later. I should start by getting right to the good stuff: the Guttenberg.

Confession time: I think I might have a little crush on Steve Guttenberg. I don't know how it happened! I mean, yeah, in the 80s and early 90s, I was a fan. I've seen Three Men and a Baby a few times. I'm not ashamed of it. But there I was last week, sitting on my couch, watching Guttenberg's clip package and thinking to myself, "Damn. When did he get so hot?" I mean look at the guy. He has a great body. I can see why Irina Trebunskaya was all over him. He's adorable!

My inappropriate crush on the Guttenberg couldn't stop me from cringing a bit at his Matcho Mambo Combo. Maybe I was a little jealous that the Guttenberg had so many girlfriends everywhere (what the F Steve - can't throw a guy in Brooklyn some love?). Or maybe I was just a bit upset that they weren't dancing to Lou Vega's "Mambo #5" (it sounded like it, huh?). But the judges were right - he was focusing too much on his face, too much on technique, and really didn't seem to get things together. Unfortunately, I don't think that'll come together anytime soon, as the Guttenberg now has to worry about one more thing: keeping Anna quiet. Seriously, shut her up! This isn't American Idol. You don't need to yell at the judges. Maybe Anna is trying to take the place of Maks? I don't know, but she's not going to be the bad ****, so she needs to just take a step back. I'd hate to think the Guttenberg has to give another patriotic speech about the importance of dancing shows to the world.

The Guttenberg: "The best thing about this is this this show makes the world a better place."

Samantha Harris: "And you know, your smile does as well."

Barf.

Also, "Mambo, and her mom came in." DRINK!

Still, I have to hand it to the Guttenberg for putting on a better mambo than Cristian and Cheryl did last week. Perhaps I'm stereotyping, but I just expected Cristian to dance better because he's Latin. I feel like Mario Lopez is on the set of America's Next Dance Crew going, "seriously!" Still, he did impress me with his quick step (note: this could be because I had terribly low expectations). I will give the all credit, however, to Cheryl. She really wants to win. First, she helped him realize that this is actually a competition ("When I realized I had one and six chances of going home," Cristian said, "I had to take this quick step seriously." Duh.). Then, she helped him stand up straight by... putting him in a Navy uniform. Her rationale? "In the military, you have to stand up straight," Cheryl said, "so I brought a military uniform into rehearsal." I still don't understand why he couldn't use that arm brace, but whatever works, I suppose. Cheryl will sure as s*** try anything. She wants another win bad. BAD. You can see it on her face. If I were Matthew Lawrence, I would get out while I could. I have a feeling Cheryl is going to be throwing a fit if she doesn't win.

Cheryl will never be as tough as Monica Seles is, however, who, bless her heart, is still giving this thing a go. I wanted to say to her what I say to the new assistants when they come in for their second day: "Thanks for coming back - we're glad we didn't scare you off!" But Monica Seles will never quit. She's a tough cookie. She's won nine Grand Slam singles titles. She was the youngest-ever champion at the French Open at the age of 16. She was stabbed in the back with a knife, and came back from that to win the Australian Open in 1996. And as a little girl, she dreamed... about dancing a mambo on national television.

Yup, you heard it here second, folks. Monica Seles thinks this is "a childhood dream come true." I'm telling you kids - when they say, dream big, they mean dream big. Who would have ever thought? Thank goodness for us, Monica got to dance that mambo. Yet, as she told Samantha later on, up until 5 weeks ago, she didn't know the difference between a mambo and a mango. Man Monica - if you're going to dream about it your whole life, at least do your research.

Monica's does have a great attitude, though. She's very positive. Her dancing reminded me of a teacher dancing at the prom, but I would love to see her "serve up another performance next week" (DRINK!). Mainly because of Jonathan's beautiful chest hair. Now there's a dream come true! Hot. He's a really beautiful man. And what a trooper, Monica says! "He flew to Japan to rehearse with me" while she was at her "previous engagement." Um... Jonathan is probably thrilled to get a free trip to Japan (as is the camera guy coming with you).

Now, "on to the star whose magical cha cha failed to mesmerize the judges last week. Will his quick step cast a spell on them tonight? Penn and Kym will dance after we prestidigitate some commercials live." DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK.

Yes, Penn and Kym. I was really disappointed by Penn and Kym's dance. And not because of the lame magic, sloppy footwork, poor posture, and awkward end pose, and the lack of use of Teller (he was in the audience at least, unlike last week). No, I was upset because I thought the song they were dancing to was David Bowie's "Magic Dance." It had that same opening! And I realize it's probably the original song in which "Magic Dance" sampled (which I'm too lazy to Wikipedia now), but still - I want my Bowie. See, now I want Penn to stick around for another week, simply so they can use that song (and Penn can maybe fall /break some more things).

The judges came down on Penn and Kym, but it seems like they still are charmed by the goofiness. I don't really know about that. What I do know is that Penn claimed there was no one on the show having more fun that him. I disagree. I'm pretty sure there is at least one person who is having more fun. Her name is Marissa Jaret Winokur. And right now, she's somewhere, in a corner, giggling. Please, someone help her stop giggling.

I don't know if you caught the commercials for the new Barbara Walters special, Live to Be 150 - Can You Do It?, that aired during the break. I hope Priscilla Presley was watching and taking notes. Maybe then she'll realize that she doesn't need all that botox and plastic surgery to look good. It's such a shame too, because she was so beautiful in the Naked Gun movies. I want that Priscilla back, and that little butt tap prat fall thing she did with Louis only reminded me of how much I missed that Priscilla.

Even though I can't really look at her face, I am super impressed by Priscilla's dancing. Last week her fox trot (death throw and all) was fantastic. And tonight's mambo was great as well (even if she was dancing to the Tikki Tikki Tempo theme song). I'm interested in seeing where she goes in this competition. Just as long as she's not crawling towards me with that cat scowl on her face. Yikes.

Yikes also to Shannon Elizabeth, who I don't think I'll ever like. The judges may have called her dance with Derek "the best performance of the night" (which came only halfway through the program, a major pet peeve of mine), but I wasn't incredibly impressed. I just don't think she felt it. And I know that's because I just don't like her. I'll always view her as the nude girl from American Pie. I admit it - I think she's kind of skanky. Cute dogs though.

Jason and Edyta. Congratulations. You're going to win. And it doesn't really matter how good your fox trot was last week, or how good your mambo was this week. It's because you're hot. And you can move. And, as Maks told us, you'll have a sleeveless low-cut v-neck shirt in no time, and all the ladies will vote. So congrats. Len even said you were the winner! You'll sail through this game. Better get used to those heels.

But I can't help that Jason and Edyta are just a little bit... boring! Maybe it's just that he's so confident (did you love how he told Samantha Harris that the mood was tough backstage when the other contestants were going because of the bad scores, but now it's better, essentially after his high score?). Or maybe it's just that anyone next to Marissa Jaret Winokur seems a little boring to me.

Yes Marissa! Please tell me you love her as much as I do. Her energy is fantastic. And yes, I got a little emotional seeing her get a little emotional about her shortcomings. But I just don't think it was her fault. Tony deserves the blame, for not choreographing a proper cha cha. And he deserves the credit for choreographing a great quick step. It was really entertaining! And even though she can't do a death throw or throw her leg up in the air, Marissa has heart and spunk. She brought that to the dance, along with some spot on footwork (despite what the judges said - believe me, I watched it a few times on repeat - it was right on). I know I voted for her a bunch, and I'm hoping some people out there having been doing the same.

Now the big question: If Sara Silverman is **** Matt Damon, and Jimmy Kimmel is **** Ben Affleck, who is Adam Corolla ****? I'm going to go with himself. And, in some ways, Julianne, who doesn't have much of a shot at winning. I can give Adam credit for trying hard and certainly improving, but I wasn't as entertained as Len. At least I have Samantha Harris to ask the tough questions: "You looked like you were having fun out there, but are you?" Um... what is he supposed to say. "No Samantha. I'm actually not. Vote for me!"

If only they would dub Samantha Harris instead of Marlee. Marlee is wonderful. I can't tell you how inspiring she is to me. She's got a great sense of humor. Have you noticed that she has more beat than some of the other contestants? I'm really amazed. I want her to win. Man... so good. Bravo to Fabian for being a great teacher. And bravo to Marlee for breaking down barriers. But could someone tell her interpreter to stop putting words in her mouth. I noticed he was answering her questions before she had a chance to. At least Samantha doesn't hold the microphone in front of his mouth...

"Never have fingers been so busy back there." DRINK.

Okay. Now I have a bit of a rant to go on. Kristi and Mark. I can't. I can't take that she's saying how hard it is for her, as if she's never danced before. I know it was figure skating, but it's pretty similar. And as my friend Kristin pointed out, we can't even say that she isn't used to dancing in partners, because she's been doing the Summers on Ice thing for years. Give me a break! That being said, that mambo was as hot as Mark Balas abs (oh god... now I'm doing it...). But don't you think it was a bit to hip-hop-py? It reminded me a lot of Marissa and Tony's performance last week. But she's skinny, so she's not getting the criticism? I don't know if I really believe that, but I'm just throwing it out there.

Finally, we hit our last couple of the night. (Side note: it's been two hours, and I can't believe I'm still watching. I need to get to How I Met Your Mother fast...). Mario and Karina. Thank goodness they got to the beach to practice - how else would we have seen their chemistry (and Mario without his shirt on?). Clearly we're trying to turn the heat up. But even though their quick step was great (to "Valerie" by the Zutons by way of Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse!), and Mario is super charming, and they have the highest judges score among the men, I still think Mario won't make it to the end. He's the good dancer who will go too soon because people will forget to vote for him. He'll be the David Hernandez of Dancing with the Stars. I'm just waiting for a reference to Step Up. Come on Mario - "this is for the girls coming from NYC!"

Well TVFaners, if you've made it this far, thanks for the read. What are your thoughts? Am I off base? Are you crushing on the Guttenberg too? Do you hate Priscilla's face too? Do you think Jason will take it all? Did you know the Jonas Brothers are going to be on tomorrow? And how many times did you watch Penn fall on that horizontal bar? Admit it - it was more than once!