Greetings, American Idol Fans!  Before I recap tonight’s Top 4 elimination events, I need to take care of some official business.  Please bear with me…

Dear Entertainment Weekly & Santa Claus:

I have a humble request that I respectfully submit for your thoughtful consideration.  I think we ALL know I’ve been naughty these last 5 weeks… yeah, right?  And I think we ALL know I can’t promise I won’t be naughty again over the next 2 weeks (or the next 2 minutes, if I’m “keepin it real”)… in fact, I would rank the likelihood of my naughtiness up there with death, taxes and David Cook’s eventual coronation as The. American. Idol.   But here’s the thing:  Ever since I poured sugar on David Cook, the Cookaloonies of the world have found a home in your luscious garden, and I’m cranking out recaps and 1-2 blogs a day just to fuel the insatiable beast.   I have become a slave to cyberspace, I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I have carpal tunnel syndrome!!!  So… seeing as how I have soooo clearly taken one for the team, I have a few requests:  Can I please have some more bandwidth, and  better pagination on the blogs?  And, finally, it would just be Fabu if Slezak could give us a little nod on the next installment of Idolatry. It sure would go a long way to keep my Tawanda Gurls happy… and at bay.  If you’ll do this for me EW & Santa, I promise I’ll quit stalking Cook-A-Licious just as soon he wins American Idol.   I was planning on breaking up with him anyway…  that Big Teasah.  Grrrr

Sincerely,

David Cook’s Dirty Little Mistress, Bitten

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Thanks for your patience.  Now, where were we? 

Well, in that wasted hour also known as the elimination round, we learned that…

… Randy was mean and Cranky was angry.  Paula just wanted more Cookies & Crème.  Yah, you and a gazillion other women…

…David Archuletta was a giggling fool in his leather/pleather jacket.  Yo, Arch, I thought we discussed this? Animal skin (real or simulated) + Embryo = Incongruous.  Don’t do it.  Oh, and the Embryo is safe.

… David Cook’s head just wasn’t in the right place last night.  Baby, I got a nice, soft place for you to rest that beautiful (tho freaky baby mater melon-sized franken) head… come on over here, Sugah, and let’s cuddle.  Oh, and Sexy is safe.

… the mosh pit will not be denied, even after repeated shushing.

… Bo Bice can rock a voicebox.

… the stoo-pid call-in questions are becoming less bearable.  Caller:  “David Cook, will you go out with me in July?”  Two words:  Hell No.   And, ya know why?  Cuz he’s still going to be nursing a broken heart after Bitten breaks up with him in two weeks.  I’m sorry, Cookie, I’ve got to do it… I promised Santa Claus and Michael Slezak, after all.  

…that Syesha was not mad at Randy after all… and that she was safe.

And, finally, could our beloved Bong Water have looked happier to be celebrating his bong on home? Hell Yeah, he says!!!  It was time, luv.  Douchecrest:  “Are you relieved?”  Bong Water:  “Dude, like, 3 whole songs this week, I don’t know what I would have done! Whoa.”  Hmmmm… Bong Water is tapped out after 2 songs?  It doesn’t bode well for a future concert, now does it Jasonloonies? 

That’s all I got. 

Later y’all,

You’ve Been Bitten!