Alright, you KNOW I have to start off critiquing the judges' wardrobe. Paula, at least, is simple and covered up tonight, but she and Randy clash horribly. Don't you think they would get together and coordinate? It's hard to clash with Simon, though, because he's wearing that gray shirt AGAIN. And then the camera zooms to the contestants and my attention is immediately snagged by Syesha's hideous dress. At least it is in my opinion. And does anyone else find irony in the fact that the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland?

Alright, David Cook is up first with a Duran Duran song I've at least heard before. I guess the nice thing about being more eccentric in my tastes is I can hear these songs that are so familiar to other people with fresh ears. For instance, they're probably a part of the original song, but I think the "****"s are incredibly cheesy. I'm distracted by the backup singer in the too-tight dress and these relentless "****"s. I hate the whole performance, actually. He's not really singing. There are no spectacular notes. Every sound coming from his mouth has the same feel, the same taste. I need diversity! I wouldn't buy it and it even strikes me as a bit karaoke. Thankfully, I love his jacket.

Syesha pronounces "tour" like "too-er" and really really likes her legs, but luckily in a less Hailey Scarnato way. But why, may I ask, would she intentionally sing a song that has been covered over one hundred times?! That's the true kiss of death right there. And to think I assumed she had gotten beyond her stupid song choices after the past several weeks. She's like a celebrity continually going into rehab. She's addicted to idiotic choices! I know some, maybe all, of the judges are going to like this performance, but I hate it. She seems unable to hold a simple note straight and her voice is continually barging past shrieky. Not to mention if the cameras are going to get down that low the dress needs to be longer. No Britney Spears moments here please. Family show! Randy and Paula, Twins of Ineptitude and Drivel, love it. Of course. Happily, Simon seems to have his head on straight and flunks the performance.

How have I never noticed Ryan's hair before? He looks like a middle-schooler with that one massive spike in the front.

Jason, as always, makes me laugh in his video. "I'm doing Bob Marley, go figure". The Bob Marley vibe is just the thing for him... until I hear his song choice. You MUST be joking! Some people may consider "I Shot the Sheriff" a classic, but all I can see is the  bald sheriff deputy a few seasons back singing this in an audition. This song is like a bright neon sign flashing, "Corny! Warning! Corniness Ahead!" I could only sit and squirm through the song, especially at the very end when he sang, "If I am guilty, I will pay." Ohhhhh, that sealed it. He deserved the criticism from the judges, but I must say I was quite ready for Simon to shut it. We get the point already. You didn't like it, he stunk, let's move on.

David Archuleta is the last up with... "Stand By Me"? Anyone with younger children in the house in the 90's will be able to envision only one thing: the singing frogs from the TV show "Timon and Pumbaa". It was a disconcerting image to pair with the performance, which was surprisingly good. He was definitely the best so far (not much of an accomplishment) and his deeper notes were very nice. So was his addition of the lyric "All you beautiful girls stand by me." THAT must have reeled in thousands of extra votes. And the unexpected falsetto at the end was lovely.

We go around again to the beginning, starting anew with David Cook. Ooooh, the Who! I immediately start humming the theme to CSI: Las Vegas. I've never heard Baba O'Riley (O'Reilly?), but I'm expecting the best. Some of his notes were shaky, but I truly enjoyed the beginning, despite the fact that he ditched the awesome leather jacket for an uglier gold-thread-pinstriped one. But then he hit the middle and the end (why is a song about an Irishman named Baba filled with the repetitive lyric "teenage wasteland"?) and my interest nosedived. It was just okay for me.

Syesha gets a second shot to make up for "Proud Mary", and she happily picks a Sam Cooke song, and one that I know at that! Her dress is certainly much prettier, even though it looks like her upper portion is about to explode. Been taking notes from Paula, have we? I am distracted though, because I know someone else has sung this... a male who quickly yanks his head away from the mike at one particular point... it's not until the end that I remember Taylor Hicks. The song was just good, but the ending was AWESOME. I was hoping for her to bomb so Jason could stay, but she completely creamed that notion. Randy, I think, is nuts, but Paula have her a standing ovation and happily Simon agrees. She starts crying so now I feel bad and apparently Randy does too, because he just won't shut up. Votes are absolutely going to pour in.

Oh no! Simon just told him not to and here's Jason singing another Bob Marley song! Oh, wait, no, a different Bob. Whew. I personally like his performance of "Mr. Tambourine Man". It's cool, laid back, quirky, very him. However, his fate was sealed when he forgot his lyrics. What is WITH this season? Snap. Adios, amigo. We'll miss you and your quirkiness.

David Archuleta closes the show, professing that "Love Me Tender" will be the first truly romantic song he's sung on the show. HELLO!! My inner Phantom of the Opera fan shrieks in protest. What's "Think of Me"? Chopped liver?! And how could he not "know LMT that well"? However, I will let these faux pas pass, because his performance was beautiful. I think he should have smiled gently some instead of being so serious (love DOES have a tendency to make you happy), but it was all so nice. And though technically shaky, his whispered high note at the end was very nice.

All in all, I want Jason to stay but he deserves to go, whereas Syesha can go without a qualm but she deserves to stay. Stuck in this moral quandary, I am not voting.