Squinty – Awright Archie, you know I like to make fun of your squinty-eyed Barry Manilow-singing McFetus Arse, but I still think you’re talented and a good kid to boot.  Because I like you (and because everything I say is important), I’m going to give you some sage advice, which I will condense into one simple word:  Emancipation.  You need to break free from Poppie Dearest now, or you are going to come home from school one day and find Jonah Crawford roasting the family jewels on wire hangers over an open fire.  Oh, and if Cra-zee Dearest gives ya any crap, Bruiser Bitten would be happy to come over there and personally pop a jujitsu on his overbearing, cap-wearing arse.  Or Palais will run him over with her Zamboni.  Either way, ya really need to cut the cord, luv.  That’s all.  

Timex – Syesha, gurl, nobody in Season 7 knows the view from the stools quite like you, and yet you have somehow risen like a Phoenix from the ashes each and every week.  So… let’s all give it up for Syesha, a standing O for the Energizer Bunny, the freakin Timex watch that takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.  Yeah, Gurl,  I’m going to let you in on a little secret… I want you in the Final Two.  Granted, I want David Cook to douse your flame with a big ole bucket of wodka and then join me for a mud bath as we frolick about and do the Nasty in your ashes (…TMI?), but I still want you on the stage, which is truly saying something.  After all, I think you’ve earned it.

Sexy – David Cook… Lover… Honeychile… I gotta tell you my Hottie McHotHot (Grrr) that I am not looking forward to breaking up with you next week.  I also gotta tell you that my Sistahood of the Traveling Pant-ies have been throwing Cookie morsels at me for days now, trying to convince me NOT to break up with you.  I guess they thought I had no willpower, because they started off with those goofy little 100 calorie snack packs – pffft! I say.  But then… slowly, but surely, they graduated to Oreos and Nutter Butters…. then fudge brownies and Hostess Twinkies. In retrospect, I should have known they would exploit my weaknesses, like a crackhead without any blow.  Yah, I should have seen the sucker-punch coming, but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.    Ya haw, you know exactly what I’m talkin about… Girl Scout Cookies.  Thin Mints, Tagalongs, Do-Si-Dos… they truly pulled out all the stops.  Yah, I know... Traitorous B!t@hes, every last one of em.  And dammit, if I didn’t devour every sweet confection and sugary crumb. 

So what I’m tryin to say… albeit from the haze of my insulin-induced sugar coma… is that if you were to bust out with another “Billie Jean” tonight, I’m just not sure I’ll be able to muster the strength to send you packin next week.  I know I promised Santa Claus and Michael Slezak that I would break up with you, but …well… I’m thinkin they can kiss my arse. Yep… Slezak demoted you this week in his power rankings, so he’s dead to me; well, that and he never gave my Tawanda gurls their proper shout-out on Idolatry (would a simple Grrr have been so hard?).  And Santa, well…. Castro left some of his stash behind and word has it that Santa likes to hit the hookah with his elfin peeps…  a lil Castro love-weed just might be my ticket to getting off his “naughty” list.  So, let’s just play it by ear and… Rawk My World, David Cook!!  

Awright, I think Douchecrest is callin your names… Break A Leg, guys! 

Oh, and Cookie… how bout a little good luck kiss and a grope?  Mmmm, I lurv you too, baby.

Squinty –Bitten predicts more runs than a Hooker’s 3-day old fishnets. Whadaya wanna bet?  (1) “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel – schmaltzy ballad, Paula’s choice.  Paula, are you setting us up to be bored?  Or are you secretly trying to sandbag for the Cookie? Anyhoo, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz   Hmm, double lip lick at the end… me thinks this is Squinty’s equivalent of a gymnast’s “dismount”.  Bitten gives it a 3 outta 10!   Randy: Dope song, in it to win it baby! Paula: Storyteller. Simon: Same shiz, boring ballad, I’ll say “Good” so as not to be mauled by the mosh pit, but the truth is that I was clipping my fingernails while you were squinting and squirting up there… hmm, that hangnail really smarts; (2) “With You” by Chris Brown – Squinty’s choice.  Lil Squinty Cuss tryin to be trendy and upbeat?!  Randy: Um “My Boo” not credible, Dawg.  Simon: Yo, McSquinty, you dance like Brooke White.  Bitten: Squinty, remember the leather pants?  Un huh, and what did I say?  Yah.  Incongruous.  Don’t do it.  Nobody wants to see Brooke White doing the white man’s overbite, baby.   3) “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg – nuther schmaltzy ballad, Nigel’s choice.  Trio:  The song sucked, lame even for a 90-year old, what the hell was Nigel thinking?!  Since we can’t blame you for Nigel’s bad taste, you sang it well enough.  But Simon, why on earth did you have to tell him he was definitely in the finals next week?  Yo, Prick, two more peeps need to sing, and they just might blow us outta the water!

Timex – (1)”If I Ain’t Got You” by Alecia Keys -- Randy's choice. Trio – overall very good, and “You Look Mahvelous”! (2) “Fever” by Peggy Lee -- Timex's choice.  And she’s brought Props!!!  Let’s see… a chair, a lil Ultime, a feather tickler, handcuffs, some ben wa balls, the Rabbit, a whip… Yo, Timex, you didn’t tell me we were having a Passion Party tonight!  Excellent!!!  You Nasty Dominatrix You!  Trio:  “Interesting” song choice, while sung well, lame cabaret performance.  Nice sex toys, tho.  Oh, and I’ll take a Rabbit Habbit (best seller, ya know!) with a Jelly Pleasure Kit – do you take American Express? (3) “Hit Me Up” by Gia Farrell – Nigel's choice; hmmm, wasn’t this in Happy Feet?  Ya know, I love it when they dig her not once, but TWICE on song choice… when they chose 2 of the 3 fu@kin songs!!!   Could they be more obvious with their pimping of anyone NOT named Timex?

Sexy – (1) “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” – Simon’s choice.  Awww, Momma is standing up for her Boy, how sweet.  Dahlin, I always lurv it when you end on a SexFace money note.  Saaaaweeeeet! Randy: I needed more rocker – Dawg, every horn-y housewife and red-blooded cougar in America needs more Rocker, take a freakin number.  Paula lurved it.  Simon thought it was one of his best performances to date. Round One goes to Cook & Cowell – Hell YEAH!!! (2) “Dare You to Move” by Switchfoot – Sexy’s choice . I LUUURRRRVVV this song!  Bartender dig, wraps up this whole experience.  Hmmm, strokin yo gee-tar, I see.  Sexy, if I had my way, you and your gee-tar would NEVER part…  Trio: You teased us and then… didn’t deliver.  Yah, he does that sometimes… ya Big Teasah! (3) “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith – Nigel's choice.  Wha, no gee-tar? Whimper.  Oh… sweet Jesus…you are forgiven… and I want to be that microphone.  Wait, hold up!  Was it?... could it be?... yah………… I. Just. Had. An. Eargasm. Simon & Paula:  David Cook WINS THE NIGHT!  Bitten’s gonna need a moment……. and a cigarette.

What’s that you say?  Oh yeah….. David Cook FTMFW!

Later y’all!

You’ve Been Bitten!.. . by David Cook’s Extremely HAWT, Dirty Little Mistress… who may or may not break up with him next week. 

Stay tuned… and I’ll see y’all tomorrow night for another Recap!