American Idol: Birthday Songs!

Hi TVFaners!

I posed this last night in BLOGS because this episode recap section wasn't opened yet. but here it is if you're interested...

So we've finally made it to the Top 10! It's the touring cast! And in honor of tonight's theme week of "Songs From The Year You Were Born," I thought it fitting to write out some birthday cards to our idols - in order of appearance, of course. Happy Birthday guys!

Dear Ramiele,

You would never guess, based on the way you carry yourself, that you are only 20 years old! You certainly seem older. Happy Birthday! I'm sorry that you're not feeling the best tonight. Hey - at least you grew out of that biting stage. But Ramiele, Ramiele, Ramiele... what were you thinking tonight? Have you seen American Idol? Don't you know that Heart's "Alone" is in the Idol History Books under the category "Top 10 Most Memorable Performances Of All Time?" Her name was Carrie Underwood. And yes, Carly tried it this season, but that was Hollywood Week - no one was voting. Now we're voting. You just got to think, girl. Call me if you need help, okay? I'm here for you. I mean, I'm not voting for you, but I'm here for you. Just ‘cause I feel bad because all your best friends have already been voted off.

Okay we'll talk soon! Happy Birthday!

Best, Dave

Hey Jason,

Wow - today really is your birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I would have gotten you a Keytar (!!) had I known you didn't have one already. Maybe your brother will let you borrow his. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you the best on your birthday. Go out and have a great time tonight. You're 21! Get wasted! But when you're done, get inside and practice. You are getting a little sloppy. You can't ride on those dreamy eyes, long luscious locks, and sexy guitar strum anymore. But I forgive you tonight because I think you started drinking early, as you should. And you know how I love day drinking.

Love, Dave

Dear Syesha,

Hey girl. Happy Birthday. How are you doing tonight? Feeling good? Look, I know you haven't had the best time in this competition. And you're probably feeling great after those judges comments. But I have to bring you down to reality girl: you are not going to win. Here's the deal: you spend a lot of time talking about being an actress. That bothers some of us out there. Who is the real Syesha? We'll never know. What we do know is that "If I Were Your Woman" is not a song from the year you were born. It may have been covered by Stephanie Mills in 1987, but it will forever be Gladys Knight & The Pips'1971 hit. So nice try, but I'm not buying you.

Cheers, Dave

P.S. Don't ever do that baby cry ever again. Ever.

Chikezie,

Eeek. Your birthday is September 11^th. That's got to suck. I'm sorry kid. At least you don't have a pesky last name to tie you down. Listen Chik - can I call you Chik? Great, Chik - listen up man. It's not that the judges didn't want you to sing a ballad last time. It's that they didn't want you to sing a ballad poorly, while dressed like a pimp. So it's not you singing slow songs, it's you singing slow songs badly. Also, be careful: that girl in the front row who you were singing to while holding her hand... she's 14. You need to go older. Paula will most likely sleep with you. Go for her.

Anyway, Happy Birthday.

Dave

Broo Brooke White!

Bless your heart - aren't you just the cutest? Even in those glasses! Happy Birthday. 24 on the verge of 25. Wow. This is such an exciting time for you. Enjoy it! Relax. Loosen up. Don't be so hard on yourself - it was just a little mistake in the beginning. The recorded version in iTunes will be better. You're not going anywhere. Also, your hair looks great.

Dave

What up Michael,

Happy Birthday. You were born in 1978. A whole 12 years before David Archuleta. Man you must feel old next to that kid. But dude - just because you're older, doesn't mean you need to teach him over and over again about classic rock. Enough with the Queen. Seriously. Stop. We get it - you like Queen. But that was a few seasons back. That theme night isn't coming this time around, no matter how many times you try and make it happen. I don't care how much the judges liked it - it's not current. Sorry. I disagree with Randy - I don't think you believe in yourself. I think your moves are too choreographed. And you need to stop making sex faces at me. Stop it Michael! That won't get me to vote for you! I will, however, probably sleep with you if you keep talking in that sexy Australian accent. So go watch some Hugh Jackman bootleg videos from his stint in The Boy From Oz and then we'll talk.

G'Day, Dave

Hi Carly,

I so appreciate that you have this drive, probably more than anyone else, to be here. I also appreciate that you have visible arm tattoos. I can't think of many other female singers you have visible arm tattoos! I think that's awesomely brave of you. Then again, your husband's entire head is tattooed, so you probably think it's no big deal. Anyway, happy birthday! I just want to let you know, that even though Slezak didn't think you should sing Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" tonight, and the judges basically agreed with him, but I think you were great. You certainly made us all forget about Jessica Sierra's botched version. And listen - if you need pointers on how to get that song right next time, totes call me. I did it this weekend at karaoke and it killed. I'm still going to have to vote a bunch of times for you tonight, though. So next week, just knock it out it out of the park for me, okay?

Fondly, Dave

Hi David,

You're young, so I'm going to just have to explain something to you. Each week on American Idol, they have theme nights. Tonight, the theme night was songs from the year you were born. That means, for you, 1990. You had some serious options. But you chose a song probably five people out there know. Now each week, each song you sing should be a reflection of what your album is going to sound like one day. This way we know what to expect. And then, we vote for you to win. But when you sing a song like that (a song your rumored to be controlling dad probably picked out for you), let me tell you what, no one is going to want to buy your album. So keep singing, because you're cute and talented. Just pick better songs.

Best, Dave

Dear Kristi,

I have to hand it to you. That was a brilliant move tonight. You sure as s*** knew what you were doing. Singing "God Bless The USA." You're not going anywhere now. Because the entire center of this country dove for the phone tonight, and started dialing for the good ‘ol southern girl (that mixed with "Amazing Grace" makes you the patriotic choice this election year). Great job at manipulating everyone, Kristi. You should go into politics.

Happy Birthday, Dave

‘Sup David,

I have some bad news for you. You still have a giant forehead. It's not just when you were a baby. The difference is now you have your hair all in front of it. But the good news is - you kicked **** tonight. I mean, I still think you are kind of copying the path Chris Daughtry paved for you, but that doesn't mean you're not doing it well. You totally changed "Billy Jean," by making it the creepy song I think it's meant to be. (come on - those lyrics are sketchy!). I pre-ordered it on iTunes, for god's sake. Great job and Happy Birthday. Keep that up, and you just might push ahead of that other David. That is, if you can get past the hoards of screaming girls.

Peace, Dave

Hey Paula (!),

Look, I know you have heard about this already, but I feel like I have to say it: you are a tranny who looks like a hot mess, and not in a good way. You're a tickety-tack tranny hot mess out of control super tranny from Transylvania who is not apologizing for it. Please lose the gloves.

- Dave