A Dis for Michael (Say It Aint So!!!) & Lissen Up David Cook!

OH, NO YOU DI’INT!   Awwww, that is just SOOO wrong!  Michael Johns was just bitch-slapped by America.   And... I'm pretty sure Seacrest just kicked him in the jewels.  Wrong on so many levels...

This. Is. American. Sadist.  

Ryan, that was reallllly Un.Called.For.  And I thought you only treated Simon this way.  Hmmph!  Me thinks there is more than one unopened can of whoop-ass with your name emblazoned on it somewhere...

I think America should be allowed to vote on whether to renew Seacrest's contract.  "Ryan, America has voted... and with the highest vote EVER, Americans have voted to award you a 10-year Gazillion Dollar Contract!!!  But, oh...  it appears to be written with invisible ink.  Sooooo sorry.  We have some verrry nice parting prizes for you, you little ass-wipe but, alas, you Loooossssseeee. Buh Bye."

Okay, and I officially hate Syesha Mercado, too!  She should have been the one sent packin’, NOT the hot Aussie!  Who’s with me on this one?  (Oh, awright, see qualifying comment below lest anyone thinks me a real "Hater"!  Geez, so sensitive!) 

Back to bizness: 

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Aw, I need to rant and wail.  The injustice of it all!  Where can I direct all this unbridled aggression?  David Cook – come on over here and let me blouse your ears and smack you around a little!  Smack, Thwack!  Besides, I’M STILL MAD AT CHOO!!   Tuesday’s little mis-fire left me with a whole lotta Dr. DoLittle goin on:  I. Have. Been. Violated!!!  And I haven’t even yelled at you yet for all the blatant fashion offenses... Who’s dressing you, PeeWee Herman?   Let’s cover the rules, shall we?  #1. Nevah, evah wear white upstairs unless you’re sporting some serious George Hamilton Glow, ya feel me?  Rock Star <> Pasty + Pastier;   #2. Was that a straight jacket you were wearing?  I swear I saw arms hanging out the back.  And you looked like you were dressed for the Arctic in "Daytripper", for crying out loud. ENOUGH with the jackets already!  Rock Star <> Layered Look;  and #3.You gotta know that a rockin’ black tee and tight jeans gets er done EVERY time.  Think "Hello."  Okay, I’m officially done with this rant.  Onto the next... 

I just wanna cry.  No more MJ?  No more Saucy Aussie with the Sassy Ascots?  Wah, wah, I’m so deflated!

David Cook!  Get Back Over Here, I am NOT done with you yet! Thwack, smack. By the way, you looked hot tonight, you and all your pompous, smug arrogance.  Grrrr… Are you tearing up for MJ, too?

Can any good come from this?  Got this girl in a Bad Way!

David Cook!  Did I say that you could leave?  Hell, no!  Sit right back down there and take your lickin’s like a man!  Smack, thwack.  See what can happen when you mess around?  No more lofty indulgences, no more singing obscure songs, no more pandering, it’s time to get down to business!!

Yes, some good WILL come from this, MJ.  We miss you already.  Sniff, sniff. 

David Cook!  Smack, Whop! Now, pass me a tissue and let’s talk about your Redemption.  On Mariah Carey night, no less.  The Rocker.  Did I mention... Mariah Carey songs?  Bwahahahah!!!  Gahhh, it’s just so wrong!  So unfair!  Oh, the Humanity!  You might want to, um, pack a bag, David.  Just in case.  Ya know.  Jus sayin.

Oh, wait, the Bat Phone is ringing.  Stand by….  God is on the line.  He tells me He has the perfect song for you.  It’s a Mariah Carey cover, which is not your style since you do covers of covers and in this case you would actually be doing a cover of an original (or no, would that be a cover of a cover, but in the original style?).  Anyway, He thinks you can cover it, ya cover me?  What was I saying?

Stand by… Thank You, God, I’ll pass it on.  He says “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” – only a whole lot less Mariah and Oh, My God… CRANK IT UP… Def Leppard IS IN DA HOUSE!!!  ONLY one of the greatest rock ballads ever… well, that and Photograph… and Love Bites… and oh, hell, ANY track on that hair metal odyssey known as Hysteria, it’s ALL GOOD!  You can slow it down, speed it up, do it straight, flip it, zip it, scat it, sizzle it, go acoustic , turn it on its ear, do it Mariah-style, Def- style (wifebeater optional), doggy style, whatevah.  JUST.DO.IT.  and bring it HOME!  There is no shortage of money notes for you to chew on, with a whole lotta SexFace for the ladies (yeah, right?).  So strap on your Les Paul, crank up the Marshall and cram that falsetto in your back pocket cuz you’ll not be needing it this week, you Nasty Thang.  X chromosomes everywhere reach for a cig and a light, menopause goes extinct, grandmothers trade their social security checks for diaphragms, crowd goes wild …   

Hmmm.  On second thought, why don’t you just do a nice little pop bastion like Vision of Love?

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David Cook, I expect to see you back on top next week, so don’t disappoint, ‘kay?  And don’t weep too hard for MJ, he’ll be a’ight.  Oh, and I just might let you be my virtual boyfriend again… you Nasty Thang.  Grrrrr...

Michael Johns, it was a true pleasure getting to know you and you will be missed.  I’ll be looking for your music, so get to it, ‘kay?  Tell your lovely wife she's a great sport for putting up with all the Fangirls.  Much happiness to you and your family.  p.s. Make sure you trip that little Seacrest twit next time you see him.

Nuff said.

Later, y’all.  sniff.