American Midol

Okay, I’m about recapped out and had decided NOT to do a recap on tonight’s elim show, that is, until I heard this line:  How Can I Say I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?  That pretty much sums up how I feel about American Midol.  Overexposure IS my mistress, afterall.

So, from the top:

Douchecrest intros the Trio.  Douchecrest kisses CokeCup and then he kisses Cranky.  Cranky grabs CokeCup’s boob lest the viewing public think he enjoyed that little smooch with Douchecrest.

Group Song from the Castriati.

Douchecrest:  Last Night’s Very Dramatic Show!  I jus love it when they showcase the trainwrecks in SLO MO.  So Dramatic.

ALW: “Nun was flawless in dress rehearsal.”   I hear salt is always good for the wounds.  Very Dramatic, if nuthin else.

Love Song for CokeCup and Cranky?  Time to Say Goodbye.  How Can I Say I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?  Bleeding Love (ahh, good one, ALW!).

Tainted Love Pimpmercial. Yawn.

NOW, Getting Down To Business :

SEX and that other one:  SEX’s jeans are lookin a smidge tight.  Not that I’m lookin.  Cranky has Douchecrest’s gum in his mouth – a little “present” from the evening’s earlier smack-fest.  Douchecrest: “SEX – why did you keep it straight?”  SEX: “What could be more unpredictable than doing the song the way it was written?”  Touche.  Douchecrest:  “Embryo, was this a tough week for you?”  Embryo: “Bah, bah, goo, goo, choo, choo.”  Drumroll please….. Oh the suspense is killing me!!!!!!  YOU ARE BOTH SAFE!!!!!  No Sh!t, Sherlock.  Geez.  When you build something up that big, there had better be a ‘gasm following it, and NOT THAT little whimper…

Exotic is in the House singing Bleeding Love.  Hmmm…Kind of a… Female SEX.  No wonder she’s spankin the charts.  Did Ryan just try to lick her chest?

Enter Evita & Nun: Evita is so proud of herself, grinning from ear to ear – she channels CokeCup and babbles incessantly bout… dunno (sorry, lost my interest, not worth the DVR rewind).  Douchecrest:  “Nun, you really fu@ked up last night.  How you feel bout dat?”  Nun:  “Yeah, it sucks for me.  But I sat on my Sass Mouth for a change, and that’s always a good thing.  I’m at peace with it…  I went home last night and drowned my bambi-ass in a Grey Goose & Tonic whilst watching this retro little sex flick called 9 ½ Weeks... Ever heard of it?”  And for THAT, Nun, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY!!!  So….. Evita is warmin the stools.  Awww, don’t cry for her, Argentina.

BongWater & TooTat:  Oh, I see this one comin.  Go ahead and drop the bomb, Douchecrest, oh a night of UPSETS!!!  TooTat is still basking in the afterglow of Cranky’s Adoration.  And Bongwater says:  “I don’t know, I don’t know… I’m HIGH!….”  Yes, of course, TooTat is in the Bottom Two.  Garcon!  Can somebody please freshen up BongWater’s bong water, please?  And maybe a cheeseburger, xtra Wiscon Cheddar Cheese, barbecue sauce, mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, pickles, a Big Ole side of greasy fries….  Yes, Dreads will get a second toke from the Idol pipe, after all.  And the Michael Johnness of it all has America in a tailspin. 

Cranky’s Take:  “Nun is Human.  And, apparently, no longer an R-Rated Movie Virgin. BongWater is High.  And Charming.  Ergo, They Stay.”  Makes sense to me.  Let’s make the rejects sing for their supper, shall we?

Both divas do a fantastic job.  Straight up.

Douchecrest:  “38 Million Votes and… TooTat is goin home.”  Yes, another MJ Moment.  Carly, girl, you went out on a GREAT Note.  Why are we showing the cryin video?  That’s just torture.  AI is truly an exercise in sado-masochism, isn’t it? 

Alas, Cranky said it Best:  “Carly, you can leave with your head held high.”

Adieu, Carly.  Ye will be missed.  Husband of TooTat…. Not so much. 

So, in summary, the next four weeks are pretty much INK-FREE!!!  Well, unless SEX wants to show us his tat.  Aw, SEX, didn cho mama warn you about marring your beautiful body like that?  Come here and let me lick that tat off for you.  Grrrrr … 

Later, Y’all

You’ve Been Bitten!!!