The Top 4: Elimination | American Idol S:7 E:38
Throw the Baby Out with the Bong Water
By Bitten , 05/08/2008, 17 Comments
Greetings, American Idol Fans! Before I recap tonight’s Top 4 elimination events, I need to take care of some official business. Please bear with me…
Dear Entertainment Weekly & Santa Claus:
I have a humble request that I respectfully submit for your thoughtful consideration. I think we ALL know I’ve been naughty these last 5 weeks… yeah, right? And I think we ALL know I can’t promise I won’t be naughty again over the next 2 weeks (or the next 2 minutes, if I’m “keepin it real”)… in fact, I would rank the likelihood of my naughtiness up there with death, taxes and David Cook’s eventual coronation as The. American. Idol. But here’s the thing: Ever since I poured sugar on David Cook, the Cookaloonies of the world have found a home in your luscious garden, and I’m cranking out recaps and 1-2 blogs a day just to fuel the insatiable beast. I have become a slave to cyberspace, I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep… I have carpal tunnel syndrome!!! So… seeing as how I have soooo clearly taken one for the team, I have a few requests: Can I please have some more bandwidth, and better pagination on the blogs? And, finally, it would just be Fabu if Slezak could give us a little nod on the next installment of Idolatry. It sure would go a long way to keep my Tawanda Gurls happy… and at bay. If you’ll do this for me EW & Santa, I promise I’ll quit stalking Cook-A-Licious just as soon he wins American Idol. I was planning on breaking up with him anyway… that Big Teasah. Grrrr
Sincerely,
David Cook’s Dirty Little Mistress, Bitten
****************************************************************************
Thanks for your patience. Now, where were we?
Well, in that wasted hour also known as the elimination round, we learned that…
… Randy was mean and Cranky was angry. Paula just wanted more Cookies & Crème. Yah, you and a gazillion other women…
…David Archuletta was a giggling fool in his leather/pleather jacket. Yo, Arch, I thought we discussed this? Animal skin (real or simulated) + Embryo = Incongruous. Don’t do it. Oh, and the Embryo is safe.
… David Cook’s head just wasn’t in the right place last night. Baby, I got a nice, soft place for you to rest that beautiful (tho freaky baby mater melon-sized franken) head… come on over here, Sugah, and let’s cuddle. Oh, and Sexy is safe.
… the mosh pit will not be denied, even after repeated shushing.
… Bo Bice can rock a voicebox.
… the stoopid call-in questions are becoming less bearable. Caller: “David Cook, will you go out with me in July?” Two words: Hell No. And, ya know why? Cuz he’s still going to be nursing a broken heart after Bitten breaks up with him in two weeks. I’m sorry, Cookie, I’ve got to do it… I promised Santa Claus and Michael Slezak, afterall.
…that Syesha was not mad at Randy after all… and that she was safe.
And, finally, could our beloved Bong Water have looked happier to be celebrating his bong on home? Hell Yeah, he says!!! It was time, luv. Douchecrest: “Are you relieved?” Bong Water: “Dude, like, 3 whole songs this week, I don’t know what I would have done! Whoa.” Hmmmm… Bong Water is tapped out after 2 songs? It doesn’t bode well for a future concert, now does it Jasonloonies?
That’s all I got.
Later y’all,
You’ve Been Bitten!
Comments
AnalogGirl 05/08/08
This will be a very painful breakup for me too. What will I do without my twice weekly fix of DC? I guess I will look at all of the amazing pics now stored on my hard drive. Yes, it is a bit of a creepy obsession. I was reading somewhere an analysis of each contestants' fan blocs. One of David C's was the "**** housewives." Ummm, although I'm not a housewife, I am over 30 and somehow that one hurt. Oh well...I know I am not alone!
shameless 05/08/08
you think maybe jason tricked squints into smoking a bowl with him before the show? he was extra giggly tonight, and making absolutely no sense. i bet it was his first time. poor kid. i hope daddy doesn't find out... oh, well. he's going to be corrupted sooner or later. it's inevitable. and to be honest... that whole mormon thing just isn't working for me anyway.
on a different note, those call-in-questions are just utterly unnecessary, and dare i say akward? hello, lady. sexy is obviously already occupied enough with all his "bitten bloggers". and, well...everyone know's that after the show is over he is moving to iowa to serenade me into bed to have unbelievably wild, hot, sex every night... and morning... and between class on thursdays... okayyyyy! maybe not... but a girl can dream, right?
to bitten: i would like you to know how grateful i am for your devotion to the cookaloonies of the blogging world! youuu are ridiculous. ridiculously amazing, that is! keep it up. and if entertainment weekly gives you anything it should probably be a job. you kick ****.
shameless 05/08/08
**** HA!
shameless 05/08/08
golly gee, they catch everything don't they?:-(
palais 05/08/08
Break up with him, and I can have him all to myself.
What a good BFF you are.
Funny stuff, lady.
Rose Tyler 05/08/08
Well, now Jason and I will have more time to devote to listening to Marley and hitting the hookah. He sure did have pretty eyes. By the way, does anyone have any clue what color Little David's eyes are? Has any ever really seen them?
palais 05/08/08
I think Squinty's eyes are red, seeing how he's a cyborg/
cookiemonster 05/08/08
dunno the color, but they are definitely empty.
Bitten 05/08/08
Mornin ladies. I've got lots of work stuff this mornin, but I left you a message in Tawanda's Den.
And yes, palais, I'm a good BFF. I told you I'd let you have sloppy seconds, didn't I?
palais 05/08/08
Yes, you did, and I'll take them. Because I have reached that level of patheticness.
Iluvcookies 05/08/08
Hi fellow loonies!
Finally it's lunch break time! I have been sittin at my desk all day feeling like a crackhead without any blow - trying not to get on the internet & hit these blogs! Getting caught looking at Sexy every day this week might be pushing my luck.
Ahhhhhh. Feelin so much more complete now.
JWG 05/08/08
me, too, iluvcookies--been strapped to work since 5:15 am. no lie. I'm paying for my obsession big and bad today. Just had to get myself caught up on the birlliance that is Bitten's recap, all your pithy comments, and check out our den. I promise I have more time for ya'll tomorrow. Luvs and XXX's!
It's a beautiful day and Sexy's on another week. It's all good!
Bitten 05/08/08
Girlfriends! Nice seeing ya! I'm taking a quick peek as well...
Chickie 05/08/08
"Well, now Jason and I will have more time to devote to listening to Marley and hitting the hookah. He sure did have pretty eyes"
He did, didn't he. He must have loads of Visine because they were never bloodshot.
Bitten 05/08/08
Hey, Chickie, it's been a while Gurl! How you doin?
seahawks08 05/12/08
first of all jason does not smoke. get it right if you want to bad mouth someone and go smoke yourself because if anyone smokes its got to be you by the way you write and sound. jason is a very talented artist and went home only because he wanted to and nothing more. so go smoke yourself
Guitar Hero 05/12/08
Seahawks, you are a ****!ng idiot. Why is it so hard for you to understand that no one is interested in your poor grammar and 12-year old musings?
Add a comment
Remember to keep it clean. Bad words will get filtered, and offensive comments will be removed. More Guidelines