Pour Some Sugar on David Cook... Grrrr

Gunter glieben glauchen globen! Wha, wrong show?  Ahh, WTH, a recap-and-a-half, all for the price of one: American Idol and Dancing with the Stars!  Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, damned if these aren’t a few of my favorite things!… David Cook and Hair Metal, all stacked up!  So…. Def Leppard & Ballroom Dancing…  Eh? Awww, sure!  Goes together just like Shameless & Promotion!  And congrats on the new album, released when?  Today, you say?  What a coinkydink !!  Jus kiddin, I love those abundantly coifed Sheffield Brits.  Xcept when they’re lip-synchin “Pour Some Sugar on Me”, DAMMIT!!!  That little ditty is a big fat slice of karaoke heaven, did they think we wouldn’t notice the Head Fake?  WTF?!  Can they fake “Nine Lives” too since country crooner Tim McGraw isn’t in da house?  Whoa, Faith Hill, put your gun back in your holster and simmer down Chile, I wasn’t even looking at yo man Tim, really, I promise!!! (Ya gotta watch out for us Southern chicks – we kick ass first and take names later when it comes to our property men.)  And, oh, yeah, the cry babies with the Sass Mouth were eliminated on DWTS.  Yah, serves them right.

Now, onto American Idol.  Lo and behold, more two-for-one specials tonight!  Is it Happy Hour?  Oh yeah, you know you’ve been wanting it… not One, but TWO Neil Diamond songs!!!  Is it bad that I would rather wax my private parts a la The Brazilian, no less, WHILST juggling a set of Ginsu knives AND receiving a root canal than to have to listen to Neil Diamond songs?  Twice? I don’t mean any disrespect, but can you say Generational Gap with a capital Gah?  And Fox wonders why viewership is down.  Yah, Go figure… 

Okay, funky format, two songs, judging at the end, got me all discombobulated.  I don’t see me REALLY luvin any of this crap.  So If I’m “keepin it real”, let’s just do this short & sweet:

Jason Castro – “Forever in Blue Jeans” and “September Morn”.  Jason decided to freshen up the bong water and throw out last week’s stash – bad karma and all.  Too many Memories, ya know…. Apparently, Paula found his old stash since she seemed to have two different critiques for, um, the very same song.   Anyhoo, my sources tell me that Castro now prefers to light up some Collin Kelley, vintage 2008 (may he rest in peace).  Gotta say, I don’t think the Collin is workin for you either, Dreads. Pull It Together, Man!  How are you going to unseat the Embryo if you can’t muster up some dazzle? 

David Cook – “I’m Alive” and “All I Ever Really Need is You”.  Ahh, I see we’re strokin an instrument tonight.  Twice.  Mmmm, mmm.  Lucky Instruments...  Wha…, did he sing yet? That’s alllllllllllllllll I gotta say.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  And then Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr some more.  Yeah, he could pretty much stand up there and yodel the Zimbabwe national anthem and I’d slobber all over him jus the same.  And, no, I have no shame any more.   None whatsoever.

Brooke White – “I’m a Believer” and “I Am, I Said”.  A guitar and a piano.  The piano venture was quite good.  The gee-tar misfire was, well… Deer is to headlights as Brooke is to nervous breakdown.  Brooke, now that you’ve discovered the Grey Goose & Tonic, how about a lil swig before ya hit the stage?  Let’s calm the nerves and see if we can put the formerly G-rated Nun back in her skin, shall we?  If you’re real  good, I’ve got another movie treat for you… a sexy lil number called “Wild Things.”  Me thinks you'll likey!
 

David Archuletta – “Sweet Caroline” and “America”.  Da doo Run Run, da doo Run Run.  Well, it’s finally happened.  I’ve run out of bad things to say about the Lil Cuss.  OH, it’s not that I don’t have a freakin Horn o’ Plenty of material..... it’s just that I’ve used it all before.  Kinda like his recycled songs.  Same shiz, different day.

Syesha Mercado – “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”.  First, meh, 2^nd a lil flicker of Broadway, I liked it.  I would say she’s probably going home, but I’ve been saying that for the past month now.  Let’s see if she’s got another Energizer Bunny to pull out of her hat.  And just an aside:  When did it become acceptable to do every performance barefoot?  Do ya have corns, or something?  Gross.

Cranky –  “This is Officially the Strangest Show We’ve Ever Done.”  Ya Think?!  Amen, Brothah!

So there you have it…

Finale in 3 Weeks

Thank God, this can’t end soon enough.  Frankly, I just can’t take it anymore.  The Competition?  Oh, who gives a fu@k bout that!  I’m all asses and elbows over this pathetic schoolgirl crush I have on David Cook, and it has simply got to STOP. Please, somebody get this lava-licious, smokin spicy hot tasty treat off my TV screen, and I mean Pronto!  Seriously…  It’s just embarrassing.  Humiliating, even. 

How in the hell did this happen?  First, you need to know that I simply Do Not crush. Not only am I diametrically opposed to anything remotely resembling Fangirl stupor, but I like to think I’m rather above such disdainful acts (being a Legend in my own mind and all - oh, don't hate me cuz I'm bootiful). I am, in fact, quite vigilant about keeping armed sentries at the gate 24/7 – so imagine my outright surprise and righteous indignation when I find this audacious interloper tunneling under the moat, a deceptive act of grand mal proportions, an act SO blatantly offensive, that it can only be punished by… giving him the keys to the fu@king castle?!  Oh, hell yeah, I know that’s right. 

Me thinks I’ve been snookered and it went down something like this:   Loved, Loved, Loved his voice at the audition and decided right then and there I was hitching my wagon to his train cuz, by Gawd, this was somebody I’d pay to listen to. It didn’t matter that he had a somewhat doughy body, a red-streaked feaux-hawk, and was wearing a goofy Blake Lewis Sweater Vest cuz I was buyin the voice, not the look.  But then, damned if he didn’t whip out the “Hello” and turn all Rock Star on me…  Who goes from bordering on the edge of Fugly (true story) to Burning with the Heat of a Thousand Blazing Suns (truer story) in, like, three performances?  Seriously, who the hell does that?! !  Oh, yes, it was The Beginning of The End, and that damned Cookie has from thence forward been on a relentless quest for total female domination.  It’s really criminal, is what it is – material misrepresentation at the very least, felonious fraud at the worst.  I feel so violated.  

Oh well, you know what they say…  Hell hath no fury like a scorned Southern diva with a burr up her ass.  Here’s a little Retribution coming your way, oh ye of crooked grin and smoldering bedroom eyes.  Calling all David Cook ex-girlfriends out there!!!  Lissen up!  I need for you to form a single line, and when it’s your turn in the chair, please DO TELL how… David is a pyromaniac who also takes pleasure in torturing small animals; how he likes to alternate his own undergarments between well-worn women’s panties and his Captain America Underoos; how he has really rancid breath, several rashes of unknown origin and an oozing venereal disease; how his favorite shirt is a Loverboy wife-beater, which he likes to pair with red cowboy boots and a thong.  Oh, but most of all, DO TELL us how terribly BAD he is in bed, ‘kay?  That would just PLEASE ME TO NO END!…  Well…., right up to the point where I KICK YOUR ASS for talking smack about my boyfriend.  Hey, I am a possessive Southern chick, after all… Just ask Faith Hill.

Later y’all.

You’ve Been Bitten! 

I’ve Been Bitten – by David Cook.  Damn Him to Everlasting Hell!  Right after I pour some sugar on him….. *Lick*…. Grrrrr…..

[Sidebar]

Enjoy, Palais!  You know you want to…

Oh, and Guitar Hero, let me save you the breath… since I seem to be on a downhill slide, I’ll give serious consideration to moving this drivel to the Blogs next week.  ‘Kay?