Dancing With The Stars - Week 3

[Forgive the repeat. I posted this in the blog area but think it's actually a better fit under Recaps. If you are one of the 3 people that have read the other post...I'm sorry. :-) ]

Allrighty then,

Well here we are...it's week 3 of Dancing With The Stars and the tension is already so thick you can cut it with...I'm blanking so I'm going to say....a canned ham. Last week's DOUBLE ELIMINATION (which Samantha "you have to buy formula b/c you can no longer get the milk for free" Harris called unprecedented, which I think is a bit of a stretch. It seemed more precedented to me than anything else. But that's just me.) rocked the dance world to its core!

Actually, skip all of what I just said b/c it's all grandiose hyperbolic bull5h1t. I fell right into ABC's trap. They spoon-fed me their reality via clever recap-of-last-week and I ate it all up like a newborn calf latched onto mom's teat. I've said lots of things over the years, but I never said I was smart (or S-M-R-T). Well...except when I beat my brother in Scrabble. When I was 9. And he was 11. And I played 'cervix' on a double word score. And he challenged it saying it wasn't a real word. And he lost. Dummy.

Anyhow, they sent Penn packing and Seles shlepping last week and this week everybody ONLY HAD FIVE DAYS TO LEARN A COMPLETELY NEW DANCE!!! Translated, what that means is everybody had to forgo anything resembling a life for a week and DANCE MONKEY BOY DANCE! Except for Kristi Yamaguchi. She got to sit around for four days chowing down on Doritos in between binges of sweet stinky weed, and then in a four hour session on the last day she completely learned the new dance and nailed it. You ask me, I think she's gonna turn out to be the last unrevealed face of The Final Five mystery Cylons on the Galactica premiere this Friday. Remember, you heard it here first.

And is Tom Bergeron just on fire this season or what? He's droppin' zingers like Dolly Madison. He even dropped a "thanks I'm here all week please try the veal". I tell you, the boy is EN FUEGO. Fuego I say.

So the theme for this week...blackjack. Why? Everybody seemed to get 21 for their dance score. Too much playing it safe crap, IMHO.

DANCES:

Marlee Matlin / D1rty 5anchez (Jive)

So Marlee, undeniably a dark...er...deaf horse in the competition, looked pretty yummy out there tonight. Although the pace of the jive served as more of an example of the kind of difficulty she faces trying to dance in Hearville when she's from the wrong side of the tracks. Her footwork was a little off, her kicks weren't super snappy or crisp, and the overall choreography seemed a little safe. Hell I get it...she can't hear so dancing is a much harder thing for her to do than the next person. And I give her mad props for that and think she's got a big ol' pair of brass ones...but she knew what she was getting into so GF gotta step up her game. Even Heather Mills did some crazy flips and 5h1t and her leg never went flyin' into the crowd. All the judges largely soft-balled her w/the comments, with Carrie-Ann's "pancake hands" comment being the most harsh thing any of them said to her. They need to stop pulling the punches, IMHO. She's not made out of glass. She's not gonna break.

Steve Guttenberg / Anna Trebunskaya (Tango)

Ladies...I'm sure all of you felt a little funny in the naughty region after seeing the hot guy-on-guy action of Steve practicing his tango moves w/Jonathan Roberts since Anna (Jonathan's wife) was a little sick. They say she had a virus. But I see through their lies. I say it's the clap. I can smell my own. Anyhow, it was a solid but not envelope-pushing performance for The Gutte^TM. He was better than the previous two weeks but that's like me saying I was better in my third week of guitar lessons...sure I've progressed past Louie Louie, but I'm still years away from Stairway.

Cristian de la Hey Look! A Bright Shiny Thing! / Cheryl Burke (Jive)

Wow...somebody took their medication tonight. I think Cristian's severe case of White Man's Overbite is starting to clear up. He pulled out a very respectable jive. Crisp kicks, solid choreography, and some good footwork. Although Cameron Mathison obviously took him out shopping for outfits as he seems to know where all of the hottest sleeveless button down shirt stores are located in the metro L.A. area. And I wonder if Cristian made a few bucks on the side selling admission tickets to the gun show. Homes has spent either a _lot_ of time punching the clown ambidextrously, or he's one HGH shot away from a complete emotional meltdown, spousal assault charges, and an adult acne outbreak. Mr. Crankypants naturally didn't disappoint with his judge-ly comments, but Bruno and Carrie-Ann had plenty of love to share. And is it just me or is Cheryl Burke lookin' pretty num-num these days? It looks like she's lost a few (good), but it looks like it all came out of her rack (bad). Looks like those late night hook-ups w/Drew on the DWTS road show has been good for her.

Mario / Karina Smirnoff (Tango)

First off, anybody who thinks doing a tango version of The Police's "Roxanne" is a good idea needs to be kicked in the junk. Twice. It was wretched. I would almost prefer hearing Billy Idol's version of "Don't You Forget About Me" (which sucks) or even worse...Madonna's version of "American Pie" (which transcends sucks it is so bad and such a damn musical travesty). Not Mario's best and Mr. Crankypants let him know it albeit he was throwing the harshness a bit much. I think he just wasn't hugged enough as a child. Or he was placed in a burlap sack and beaten with reeds when he misbehaved. One of the two. Anyhow, Mario just needs to focus (or 'fuh-kuss' as my buddy George from Greece likes to say).

Shannon Elizabeth / Derek Hough (Jive)

Holy 8 lb. 6 oz. sweet baby Jesus...she has legs that go from the floor all the way to her ass. Damn. Very Kiebler-esque. Me likey. She also pulls off the flapper look very well. A good job w/better-than-expected kicks although the judges were right and she does need to work more on her precision. I would say one of the better dances thus far in the evening. Although, the Yama-bot has yet to come out and slay everybody yet so this distinction may be short-lived.

Adam Carolla / Julianne Hough (Tango)

In the name of full disclosure, I am and always will be of the old school when it comes to the tango...everybody should look like Morticia and Gomez Addams when they're doing it. Anyhow, Adam dancing tango is like Ted Nugent going vegan...it might be true but even if you see it, you still don't believe it. Plus, it's kind of hard to longbow hunt a block of tofu. Just sayin'. But holy crap...Jokey McJokerson can actually dance. Proof positive that another of the seven seals on the Great Scroll has been broken and we are one step closer to the brink of armageddon. O dark rider ‘pon pale horse? Thy name is Adam Carolla. And Julianne with the whole Velma Kelly Chicago look...I think I'm gonna have to say both ‘ACK' and ‘BARF'. And bra-vo to Adam for saying what we were all thinking...Julianne needs to ditch that wig and show WAY more skin. He is genius. Although, she does have one of the best backs pretty much ever. I want to eat chicken & biscuits off of it. I'm not sure what that means, but that's what popped into my head so I'm just going to go with it.

Marissa Jaret Winokur / Tony Dovolani (Jive)

DAMN! Smiley McBubbles just shanked it worse than the series finale of Seinfeld. Ouch. Not good. Even Carrie-Ann got in on the bloodletting this time around too. All we needed was one more scathing comment, just ONE more, and dollars to doughnuts we woulda seen tears. So close...so close. And FOR F!#K'S SAKE...use some damn conditioner already will you?!?!?

Priscilla Presley / Louis van Amstel (Tango)

I hate to say this but her tango was pretty good. Damn that free personality test at my neighborhood Dianetics Center. But, gots to minus points for the facial expressions. Or lack thereof. Facial expressions are key to selling the tango. The love! The hate! The passion! The jealousy! The rage! The drama! The betrayal! The realization that you just saved a bundle of money by switching to Geico! But when your face is numb like Jeff Conaway on a good day... it doesn't work. I was reminded of the classic Gary Larson Far Side cartoon that detailed the many moods of a golden retriever (or in this case, Priscilla Presley):

http://www.spc.cc.tx.us/commart/s2002links/andrew/FARSIDE/setter.html

The Many Moods Of A Very Botox'd Priscilla Presley

Jason Taylor / Edyta Sliwinska (Jive)

Good, not great. Body Hottie's dress = puke. Jason was lacking full extension on a chunk of the kicks. But he still has more game than pretty much anybody else his size. If he sticks around through the next elimination or two which he probably will he could provide the Yama-bot with some heat.

Kristi Yamaguchi / Mark Ballas (Tango)

Well done in terms of technique, but she couldn't sell it with the facial expressions. She needs to find her inner Tonya Harding b/c it's there. Nobody can be so damn cute, sweet, innocent, giggly, smiley etc. and not have some kind of dark side somewhere. Drugs, porn, prostitution, gambling, meth, she's gotta have SOMETHING that she can tap into to to sell it. But her face was frozen like a deer in the headlights. She reminded me of most of the women I've been with...I'm giving them the best minute and a half of my life, and their facial expression says nothing but...beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

PREDICTION:

The odds on favorite to get the boot this week...I'm gonna have to say Marissa Jaret Winokur. She doesn't have the mass appeal or fan base of many of the other folks (last time I checked, football and Police Academy movies outranked Hairspray on the Popular-O-Meter by a mile) and that's going to hurt her on nights where she dances like poop (i.e. last night).

The outside call...I'll say The Gutte^TM. He's a charmer but gramps can't throw it around like all the other young bucks he's competing with, and he was never married to Elvis.