Dancing With The Stars - Week 2

Carrying on last week's kid glove tradition, nobody went home that next night. Which is as lame as a non-elimination leg on the Amazing Race. Screw Phil Keoghan and his occasional "the last team to arrive..MAY be eliminated." crap. Kiwi needs to cowboy up and drop the knowledge bomb...either the last team to arrive WILL be eliminated or WON'T be eliminated so call a spade a spade fer chrissakes. Cut this coy ‘MAY' 5h1t. For reals. And FFS.

Which means this week TWO teams get the heisman and get shown the door at the end! WSMAACMS* isn't that some crazy a55 5h1t?? What will they think of next...Linkin Park performing on the results show? Stripes with polka dots? RCGA with A2M?

Pardon my foul a55 mood...I'm on the south end of Mondo Jovial at the moment due to my cat eating his body weight in dry and wet cat food...and then 10 minutes later puking it up...all the way...up the stairs. To the landing...and then keep on going until you reach the top...and get treated to a nice hairball cherry on the top of a kitty vomit sundae. Fan-f!#cking-tastic.

Product plug:  If you have pets or wee ones and _ever_ have to deal with puke or other similar such expulsions on carpet/furniture, the SpotBot Pet from Bissell is THE 5hit. It's right up there w/sliced bread and TiVo. Check it: http://www.bissell.com/Products/c/portabledeepcleaner/p/SpotBot_Pet/product.aspx

So I'm gonna kick it occidental this week and review each dance in haiku. Konichiwa b1tch3s!!

DANCES:

Steve Guttenberg / Anna Trebunskaya (Mambo):
It's Sat Night Fever
Meets Neapolitan Dress
Throw up in my mouth.

Cristian de la Nobody / Cheryl Burke (Quickstep):
Solid but not tight
Mix in some cool zoot suit shtick
Cheryl likes it rough.

Monica Seles / Jonathan Roberts (Mambo):
Hot mess of the week
Herman Munster would be proud
Where's Steffi when you need her?

Penn Jillette / Kym Johnson (Quickstep):
He walks and she runs
A foot stomp motherf!#ker
Fatty should eat less.

Priscilla Presley / Louis van Amstel (Mambo):
Ick face makes kids cry
But L. Ron sacrifice works
Too bad freak can dance.

Shannon Elizabeth / Derek Hough (Quickstep):
She makes me horny
Danced all summer at band camp
Can I hump a pie?

Jason Taylor / Edyta Sliwinska (Mambo):
Edyta's bod...YUM!
Mambo in football hizz-ouse
Want fries with that shake?

Marissa Jaret Winokur / Tony Dovolani (Quickstep):
Goofy perma-grin
Not great but also not crap
Still too much damn hair.

Adam Carolla / Julianne Hough (Mambo):
Adam's a r3tard
But Sir Crankypants likey
Adam should hit that**.

Marlee Matlin / D1rty 5anchez (Quickstep):
What to say but ‘DAMN!'
Judges poo-poo mambo-step
The bird in sign? Same.

Kristi Yamaguchi / Mark Ballas (Mambo):
Skater cutie shreds
Only one criticism:
Just get a boob job.

Mario / Karina Smirnoff (Quickstep):
M.C. Hammer suit
But footwork good...impress chick
Carrie-Ann splash chair.

SPECIAL RECAP SHOW:

So let me get this straight...you were able to take FIVE hours of show and basically distill it down to show 24 dances in one hour? What does that say about how bad we're getting raw-dogged on a weekly basis with fluff and crap? We don't get kissed first, they don't cuddle afterwards, they don't buy us breakfast the next morning, and they don't call for three days. No talent a55 clowns! All of ‘em! I'll see ABC in Hell.

RESULTS SHOW (SPOILERS BELOW IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED LAST NIGHT YET):

Jason Taylor received a much deserved DotN*** for his mambo with body hottie Edyta. And I was all ready to say how much the Jonas Brothers blow and how they can suck it, but then they pulled out the big guns and knocked me upside the melon with a rock of kryptonite...the 80's cover tune (A-Ha's ‘Take On Me'). I'm such a sucker for that 5h1t.
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No surprise, Sasquatch (Penn Jillette) is the first dude to get the heave-ho.

When Cameron Mathison's super throwaway ‘Dance Machine' segment came on, I took the opportunity to lock myself in a poorly ventilated water closet for a few minutes and test my 1 Gallon Water + Asparagus With Dinner theory.

Upon returning, there was an actual somewhat worthwhile and not-too-fluffy dance bit that came on that was choreographed by some canuck frog from Cirque Du Soleil. And they used a Meatloaf tune for the music too. It was a lot of look, but they made it work.

Cue up some random Jonas Brother super wussy ballad (NOW they blow and can suck it), and then they finally drop the hammer on one of the women competitors. I don't want to give anything away, but her name rhymes with Galonika Bellas. Definitely a mercy killing in this circumstance. Monica Seles has as much finesse as Michael Jackson's rhinoplasty surgeon.

And the new season's first elimination comes to a close...

* - Well Spank My A55 And Call Me Sally
** - ‘that' = ‘Julianne'
*** - Dance of the Night