Dancing With The Stars - Week 4

Allrighty then,

So yeah, I tanked it on the main call of Marissa Jaret Winokur getting shit-canned last week. Guess I underestimated the power of a Tony winner paired with a Tony dancer, as well as the resulting exponential increase in Tony-ness. But like I've always said...math is hard. Let's go shopping! However, I nailed the landing with my back-up call of The Gutte^TM getting the boot. Huzzah! A small victory, but I need ‘em wherever I can get ‘em.

But back to the present...so it is now week FOUR of Dancing With The Stars and things are spinning into a fever pitch...if by ‘fever pitch' you mean ‘any dumb-ass coulda shown up last night and scored at least a 9 just for standing on the dance floor in their skivvies and punching themselves in the junk (or the hoo-ha. Hey, I'm equal opportunity.)'. What gives? The judges were doling out high scores like Jacko handing out drinks at a Jesus Juice^TM party (hey, it's all for the kids right?). I haven't seen this much number inflation since a room full of guys were asked how big they thought 6 inches was.

So the theme for this week...put down the crack pipe and step away from the ‘10' paddle.

And Tom Bergeron once again showed he's no one-trick comedy pony. First there was "...can Len's heart be lasso'd with the Paso?" which is poetic GENIUS, then tonight's results show debuts the return of THE BOTTOM TWO and all of "the ridicule and degradation that comes with it". Wry, Sir Bergeron...wry. And then for the hat trick he dropped a Seinfeld "puffy shirt" comment. Sir, you are the king.

DANCES:

Kristy Yama-bot / Mark Ballas (Paso Doble)

Wow...doing the paso to "Blue Monday" from New Order? How super hip and kickin' it old school is that? Never thought I'd hear that song on DWTS, I can tell you that. Now all that has to happen is for teams to pick "Gypsy Road" from Cinderella and "Boy Named Sue" from Johnny Cash for the dance music and it's a trifecta. Anyhow, as always from a technical perspective, the Yama-bot was balls on this week. Emotion-wise however...still about as good as the Governator in T2: Judgment Day ("Dance with me if you want to live"). Mr. Crankypants, unable to assail her technique, had to go on about not feeling it and going on about the lack O' feeling. Although I coulda sworn Bruno said "you unleashed the harlot tonight" (or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear) to which I say BRA-VO. Almost perfect 10s too. Too bad there's only a Perfect 10 Magazine and not an Almost Perfect 9.67 Magazine.

Priscilla Presley / Louis van Amstel (Viennese Waltz)

I'm still waiting for the Epic Fail (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=epic+fail) to happen one of these weeks, so I can only hope my patience is eventually rewarded. Maybe soon she'll get so absorbed in a private marathon screening of Battlefield Earth and Battlefield Earth 2: Electric Boogaloo she'll miss out on too much practice and tank on the show, although it's hard to beat her qualifications:

• - Last name of ‘Presley' - CHECK!
• - The only person in the room who regularly f!#ked Elvis - CHECK!

But I ask you...what would you rather wake up with next to you in the morning? This:

http://www.starpulse.com/Actresses/Presley,_Priscilla/gallery/CSH-020376/

Or THIS:

http://www.starpulse.com/Actresses/Presley,_Priscilla/gallery/992469/

It wasn't so much a "turn back the clock" move as it was a "totally distort the shit out of the clock" move.

And did you see how it looks like she bashed her (stone)face on the floor at the end? Yeah, the floor cracked. And she kept bunching her shoulders so I guess we all know what she's gonna botox next. What killed me was when Carrie-Ann (who I heart, BTW) said Priscilla was able to "create such drama from her facial expressions". Um Carrie-Ann...WTF? That's like Marlee being able to play Name That Tune. But ahh...the Lift Nazi^TM gang has finally come out! We missed you Frau Inaba and Herr Goodman!

Adam Carolla (or should I say Zorrolla?) / Julianne Hough (Paso Doble)

Hough look goody and totally yum-ville. Corsets = good. And then when Carolla dropped the dual unicycle AND Zorro mask bomb? He's an entertainment juggernaut. Hamiltan...Springer...eat your heart out. Finesse lacky but overall Adam coulda done a lot worse for the super goof clown that he is. Hell, not even Mr. Crankypants can resist doofus charm of The Carolla.

Marlee Matlin / Dirty Sanchez (Viennese Waltz)

Awww....Billy Joel's "She's Always A Woman"...I'm touched. Really. But probably because I was a romantic dope in college and that's the song me and my fraternity brothers all sang when I pinned/lavaliered my crazy-ass psycho GF back in the day. Anyhow, a solid performance with problematic posture. But DAMN! We had the first fleckle of the night! Well spank my bottom red! And I finally figured out WTF a fleckle was...it's when the chick is on the ball of one foot and is being spun around with the foot not moving. Your welcome. And again for Carrie-Ann's edification...there is no crying in ballroom. I think somebody changed up their birth control dosage this week.

Mario / Karina Smirnoff (Paso Doble)

Jiminy Cricket, Karina took her dirty pills this week (or maybe she borrowed some of Cheryl Burke's. See below.). Overall a decent dance but there was a lot of shaky bridging between moves. Soul props though for picking Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground" for the song. Swank to the E. And Len threw the hate some more. Mario and the Yama-bot can't seem to catch a break, kiddies.

Jason Taylor / Edyta Sliwinska (Viennese Waltz)

The pre-dance practice goof around footage needs a better quality bar. Medieval Times? Sir Dance-A-Lot? Ack. Chuck-E-Cheesy. But pleasantly enough, Body Hottie's dress was not complete vomit this week. Sir Dance-A-Lot tripped in the middle but Carrie-Ann and Bruno both gave him a pass on it. I thought it was solid but the judges seem to likey more. 10-9-10 was a redonkulous score though. TWO perfect 10's? With a blatant trip? Whatev. All of tonight's scores should be throwaways IMHO. I should call the judges Burr from the way they're droppin' Hamiltons.

Cristian de la I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler / Cheryl Burke (Paso Doble)

What a wonderfully hot slutty outfit for Ms. Burke. A PVC dress? BRILLIANT! So the dude slipped a hand-hold at the beginning that the judges conveniently ignored. Par for the course this week. Meh. Crap outfit though. One shirtless Lord of the Dance "hey look at me I don't have a shirt on!" dude in this world is enough, thank you very much. And bad call borrowing Monica Seles' little screamies too. The royalties he's gonna have to pay are gonna hurt. The only way to make the dance better? End it with whatshisface stuffing dollar bills in Cheryl's Rock of Love Heatheriffic Stripper dress. Oh yeah, their paso was good but I wasn't blown away, and the judges each gave them a twelveteen score.

Shannon Elizabeth / Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz)

Derek's neck-O went blamm-O early in the week so my sweet sweet Nadia had to practice w/Jonathan Roberts. They made it look like her waltz w/Derek last night during the show was the first time Shannon and Derek actually danced the Viennese Waltz together and if it's true...then DAMN. Very good. Me likey, judges likey, everybody likey. Although I didn't 9-10-9 likey. Just more wacky judge scoring this week.

Marissa Jaret Winokur / Tony Dovolani (Paso Doble)

The collective power of Tonys proved me wrong last week and stuck around. I have a deep-seated dislike of Ms. Hairspray for some reason (she just annoys the ever-livin' hell out of me), but some observations to make if I'm bein' honest w/myself:

• - Damn but was that one tight corset
• - And her paso was actually pretty damn good

I thought it was better than several of the previous performances that got raves and too-high fatty numbers from the judges, so in that regard Ms. Big Hair got jacked with 8-8-8 scores.

PREDICTIONS:

It's tough call this week. I've narrowed it down to Adam Carolla, Marlee Matlin, and Mario. I'm gonna take Marlee off the list b/c she has huge solidarity among watchers of the show that have any kind of hearing disability (I'm not knockin', just stating what I see as a pretty likely fact) so you know there was a horde of teletype machines going nuts sending in votes. Plus she's always been nothing but a truly lovely person and is well liked so that engenders votes as well. The same can be said of Adam Carolla. Sure he's a doofus but you can't help but like the guy.

So my odds favorite to get the axe this week is Mario. Why? Although he's got a lot of potential and lots of energy, it's evident from the past week or two that he's not growing as a ballroom dancer fast enough so that is going to hurt him.

The outside call? Adam Carolla. Sure, Mario has more raw potential than him, but between Adam's funny everyguy likeability and larger cross-demographic fan base (Man Show, Loveline, his radio show, etc.), I think it could be just enough to keep his neck off the chopping block. This week.