Top 16: Return of Shankman

OH NO! Not Adam Shankman! Why? I understood it when he was promoting Hairspray. That I got. New movie, cross-promotion, great. I even sort of understood it when he was allowed to choreograph the dancers to promote hairspray even more. I even barely understood it when he was allowed to force them all to watch Hairspray and them taze them until they gushed effusively over the dancing. But I can't continue to get it any longer. The movie he sort of promoted is slated for release on Christmas Day, which is 6 months away. 6 months until Adam Sandler's hotly awaited new Christmas movie. Aren't there enough Christians in the world making Christmas movies? Can't he drop a new release about Purim?

Mary and the rest of the Judges also need to stop touting this as the "BEST SEASON EVARRR" because it isn't. Claiming that it is insults the intelligence of anyone who's seen any of the other seasons and makes new viewers think that Chelsea and Thayne's quickstep disaster is indicative of the highest reaches of this series' entire run, which is not only misleading but damaging to the show. It's OK to tell the contestants (with the exception of three in particular) to step it up and show some talent, if they possess it (Sorry Susie).

Speaking of no talent, was I right when I said no one would remember Rayven two weeks after she was gone? I just reminded you she existed, right? Proving once again that reality show losers have to stop guaranteeing that this is "just the beginning' and that they're going to be the most famous person in the world. The sheer reality is that if you are an excellent dancer who does great on the show and has a committed fan base - like Lacey and Travis, for example - perhaps the best you will do is get cast as a dancer in Adam Shankman's new Adam Sandler Christmas film. And not even get a screen credit on imdb for your trouble. Let's dance!

Kherington and Twitch: Fun Fact: my brother wrote on the forum that he regularly trolls the internet looking for Kherington photos. This week the couples shared a secret about each other, which ran the dull gamut of "Twitch laughs like a bear" (he doesn't) to "Kherington likes to buy shoes." That is some serious muck raking. How much better would this show be if it was "Twitch wets the bed" or "Kherington has bipolar disorder and breaks down in tears often during rehearsal before turning inexplicably violent." Those are the secrets we all desire.

They are doing a Hip-Hop routine where Napolean and Tabitha, great Gods of choreography, make the incredible decision to put them in prison jumpsuits. Republicans all over the country simultaneously nodded. "It's dat dere prison music, ma! Twitch must feel RAHT AT HOME in dat dere jumpsuit, pa!" Continuing on the strangely racially charged number, the song clearly used the word "Ni**a" a few times. Nice choice, Napolean! Great work, Tabitha! For the choregraphers who are creating a new kinder, gentler "Lyrical Hip-Hop," it seems interesting to stick Twitch in a prison jumpsuit with lyrical odes to "Ni**az." Just saying.

As for the dancing, Twitchington did great when the choreography actually let them break it down and dance. They had the dancers just sit and pose a lot, which is becoming a real epidemic this season. Let them dance.

Nigel, however, of course, licked Napolean and Tabitha's asses. And Mary's guffawing is getting real, real, real bad. I almost prefer the screaming to the ubiquitous "HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!" coming from offscreen.

Courtney and Gev: We learned that Gev looked like a little girl when he was younger and that Courtney is going to be a special ed teacher . . .which translates into her observing a class for special needs kids for a few hours.

During their dance Gev was clearly doing his best to hide an erection. Gev isn't doing the fake attraction thing. He's completely lusting after Courtney. While this creates more realism than the obviously same-sex oriented Thayne or Chris, it doesn't rise to the level of "chemistry" displayed so completely by Joshua and Katee. Gev's is more of a "WTF DO I DO NOW!?!?!?" approach to getting partnered with a smoking hot Knicks dancer. It got even worse for Borat when suddenly she slinks out in a half dress. Is it just me, or are these ballroom dresses the straight up bomb? I think women should be encouraged to wear these outfits more regularly. Most of them, anyway.

I was quite effusive about my support for Courtney's wardrobe choices during this dance, as well as her insane body and smoldering eyes. I was so effusive I got three "Ughs!" and four punches to the arm / stomach by my wife. I think I even got a "You're Disgusting" as well as a well timed "You're a Dirty Old Pervert." Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure no single episode of this show has gone by that I haven't been labeled a DOP. Must be true?
Regardless, Courtney makes me feel like I'm climbing the rope in gym class.

Adam Shankman during his judging belabored several points that no one cared about to the point that Nigel had to step in and say that they had ordered "soup and blankets" for the audience. Which made me wonder if he meant that they were all going to spend the night while Adam yammered or if he meant that the audience was a bunch of tank top wearing perma-smiling parted bangs 15 year old homeless girls they had bussed in from the surrounding area. Which made me picture a standard SYTYCD audience girl going "HAY U GIMME A DOLLAR IL WASH UR WINDOE WHOOOOOOOO!!!! (clapclapclap)" in a totally k3w7 tank top from "Le Jealous." Or maybe he was just referring to Dominic, who is the new Constantine.

Comfort and Chris: We learn that Chris is a complete dickhead because he literally rips people's forks away and east their food - which in Thayne's case was two broccolis in a tiny bowl. My man has very little food to spare without Chris ravenously attacking the vegetation. What a dick! Chris told us that Comfort was in a beauty pageant when she was a wee lass, singlehandedly destroying her street cred as a B-Girl forever. Dick!!

Tyce gave them an "African Jazz" number set to Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People." I really thought the song was a bold choice, the costuming was effective, and the choreography solid - if this had been given to a more capable pair, it could easily have been one of the best numbers of the season, true next year's youtube material - but they just undersold the whole thing. If Chris is unbelievable as a Krumper he proved to be totally absurd as an African Warrior. He's about as threatening as Guru Pitka at the box office.

He didn't help matters any during judging, when he proclaimed the dance was about "African Warriors dealing with a lot of stuff we were going through." Like what? What kind of "stuff" do African Warriors have to sort through? Inadequacy issues? Getting stood up on prom night? Deciding whether it's cool or not to start smoking? Getting kicked off a nationally broadcast dance show a week too late? I mean, would an African Warrior ever  bend down, clasp his hands, make a pout and plead with the audience for votes on "So You Think You Can Become a Maasai Warrior?" I think not!

Will and Jessica: We learned that Jessica goes by the nickname Aereola and that Will is a supremely nice guy. Which is obvious by the way he campaigns hard for his partner to make her seem less totally incompetent while being forced to dance right next to him.

Disco! Love disco. From the opening steps of the number it is already clear once again that he is a great great dancer and she is not. Making matters worse, she once again lets the wheels come completely off when she notices how fantastic Will is and how bad she must look in direct comparison and ohmygodilooklikeLluvyfromANTM and plop, she sucks even harder and harder. I did like the Lex Luger Torture Rack he put her in, though. DISCO IS PAIN, PRINCESS!

Kourtni and Matt: Kourtni has a tattoo on the back of her neck quoting a poem her Hippie freaky Mom gave her for her birthday. Uh, what? My Mom always gives me awesome birthday presents, even to this day. Some would argue that, yes, 30 years old is too old to be getting great birthday presents from your mother, but I say p'shaw to that flawed logic. Not to be a spoiled brat, but I'd be decidedly disappointed if anyone showed up at my birthday party with a gift wrapped poem, no matter how much a Hippie Freak they were.  Matt has a ninja mask made out of 1985-era underwear.

They get a contemporary number by a "guest" choreographer who I assure you will  become a regular very quickly because she looks SO FUNQEE and her dance was SO QWERQEE and because she has a mohawk. She apparently had them do a comic book love story. Now, I've read countless comic books in my time. I'm even currently subscribed to several titles. I've seen every love story from Wolverine and Mariko to Jughead and Archie and this dance did not resemble any of them. It barely resembled dance. In fact, I had a real sense of revulsion while watching, thinking to myself "This dance is slightly revolting."  In short, I was sort of nauseated.

Chelsea and Thayne: Chelsea dropped the shocker of the century when she told us that THAYNE WANTS TO BE A FASHION DESIGNER. What!! In even more shocking news, Thayne recommends a wardrobe choice that would "really bring out her eyes." The last thing Chelsea and the rest of us need are to have her eyes brought out any more than they already are. If her Googly eyes protrude and farther they'll jump from my screen Ringu style and drink my milkshake. Her eyes scare the bejesus out of me. I dare not look at them directly lest she triggers an involuntary urge to dial her number. NEVER!

Thayne, on a different note, is trying WAY too hard. He is on a clear vendetta to ensure that he'll never get stuck with the "no personality" tag. But even he must realize that clucking like a chicken while hula hooping isn't going to ring true for 100% of viewers. No one's going to go to work the next day and saying "That Thayne is a character, eh?" People aren't going to be motivated by his "CRAZZYY PERSONALITY" to vote. They might be motivated to punch him in the 'nads, however. "Hey Thayne CLUCK LIEK A CHICKEN (nad punch!)" - "OW MY BALLS!"

I think I may be overexposed to dancing shows at this point because my note during their dance says "Worst quickstep I've ever seen." Why have I seen enough quicksteps to make a solid comparison? Why do I even have a frame of reference for "a good quickstep"? What happened to me? Regardless, they sucked HARDDD. It was more like a slow-mo-step. I will give Thayne this, though - his smile is exactly like Baraka's, and that's pretty sweet.

During judging, Mary made it quite clear that she's losing all touch with reality. She talked so seriously and morosely about them being removed from the Hot Tamale train after being first on and then in the caboose that I really think she believes it exists. Like she really believes there is a train somewhere made completely out of Hot Tamales that extra sexy sizzling people commute on, and that if you aren't sexy anymore she can revoke your yearly pass and you have to Rhumba your way around town until you sizzle once again.

Chelsie and Mark: A small break in the I <3 Chelsie armor that I've built over the past month. I still <3 Chelsie, but her interview betrayed that she may well be a complete idiot. "LYK W/E IM LYK HIS WYF OR G/F OR WHATEVUR, DA DANCE IS S-I-C-K - DAT MEANS SIQ!" It shows me the folly of many men who leave their loving and caring wives for the young, hot trollop they find. It's all good and fine until she starts talking and you think "BY GOD, I'VE THROWN MY LIFE AWAY FOR SOMEONE WHO THINK PARENTAL CONTROL IS A REALLY K3WL SHOW!"

However, for all her apparent mental deficiency, she still dances great and is surprisingly emotive in her face. Those pants made her ass look really fat, though. SORRY! All in all one of the best dances of the night, even if it was Napolean and Tabitha (puke).

Adam's little outburst during judging woke my cat Gigi up. That's how loud and obnoxious it was. I loathe him and hope he never makes another movie so that he won't be tempted to promote it by judging and ruining my favorite summer show.

Joshua and Katee: Which brings us, finally, ceremoniously, to the first really great dance of the year. You can tell me that dances are great - I will not believe. You can tell me that this year is the best evar WHOOO - I do not believe. What I DO believe are my eyes, which witnessed Joshua absolutely kill a Samba and Katee erase all memories of her unfortunate outburst in Vegas.

I've now watched the dance three times, and what strikes me about it is the following:
1. Joshua's obvious talent. He moves SO well and dances with a sincere enthusiasm that you just can't fake (Thayne). 2. Katee's improving confidence and moves. Her dancing was top notch for sure, but what put her over the top was her facial expressions. She's now having the time of her life and you can tell. 3. My response. I was actually excited watching this. It was fun, tremendously well-danced, performed excellently, had a progression and ultimately was sold so well by the dancers who truly seemed enthusiastic and caught up in the moment. This is the dance Lauren and I will rewatch next year on YouTube.

Side note about Katee - she's only really pretty when she's dancing. Interesting!

I think the show will be well served by splitting up some of the couples. There are several  that just aren't working and I think a mix up will benefit some of them greatly. My predictions:

Bottom Three: Comfort and Chris, Kourtni and Matt, Chelsea and Thayne.
Going home: Chelsea and Chris (finally).